Exceptional Dental Practice Management

And So He Goes

    I just hugged my 24 year old son good-bye and sent him on to the next stage in his life.  He recently earned his Master's degree and is headed 10 hours away to start life and work in a new state.  Yes, I'm proud of him and happy for him to have a good opportunity in a good job, but there's also a sick, desperate feeling in watching the man who was my baby fade from sight. 
    Ironically, a friend is bringing his newborn son home from the hospital today.  I want to warn him about how fast it all goes.  It seems like yesterday that my young man was in his car seat on his way to his first new home.  I sat beside him in the backseat ready to protect him from every jolt on the way.  Now, I have to accept that I can't keep the bumps and pains of life from reaching him anymore. 
    I'm not writing this to make you sad.  I'm writing it to make you think.  We can all get so caught up in our work.  We spend a lot of time thinking about how to make our practices better and how to solve the problems that come with our work.  Just remember to keep it in perspective, and pay attention to the other things and people in your life. 
    As I watched my son get ready to go I wondered if I could have done more for him as he grew up.  I don't think so.  I'm sure I could have done some things better or differently, but I gave it all I have.  He knows he is loved and he knows we think he's the best, most wonderful person.  He knows that he can call on us for anything and that we will do anything for him.  So the only regret I have in watching him leave is the 10 hours that stretch between us.  I'm proud of him and want nothing more than for him to be happy and safe.  There is nothing to make up for, because we did it right. 

    That's why I'm writing this.  I don't want any of you to have regrets that an airline reservation can't soothe.  Look at your kids when you get home tonight and picture yourself patting the car door and making them promise to find a place in a safe neighborhood.  Then figure out what you need to do to make sure your regrets involve nothing more than distance.  Distance we can deal with.  You don't get a re-wind when it comes to kids and they don't keep, so get it right this time.

Excellent Is The Enemy Of Good Enough

You're kidding right?  That's what I thought when someone said those very words to me the other day.  "Excellent is the enemy of good enough."  I tried to convince her that she'd misspoken, "You mean, good enough is the enemy of excellent, don't you?",  I semi-pleaded.  This was someone who seemed pretty sharp.  Weren't we on the same wave length? 
I was reading an essay on contentment on Tom Morris' website The Morris Institute for Human Values.  The essay was titled The Tyranny of the Ideal.  The following passage really hit home for me:

"When we let our yearning for perfection, or the ideal, rob us of our joy and ability to find contentment in what’s here and now real—at least when what’s real is indeed worthy of our love and appreciation—we’re not being wise or philosophical. We’re being fools, having abdicated most all the joy of which we’re capable in this life."  ~Dave Baggett~

As I read that I thought about what my friend said the other day and it made sense.  Here's why:  excellence is a worthy thing to strive for, but good enough is what we'll find ourselves with more often.  If we spend too much time bemoaning the absence of excellence, we are wasting time and ensuring less excellence.  There are things that we should really pursue excellence for.  The placement of an implant, the quality of our interactions with our patients and our families, but there are many things that are good enough when they're good enough. 

Most people are good enough.  We can all work to have moments of excellence, but we can accept ourselves as the humans we are and go with good enough sometimes.  We can surely accept good enough in others.  If we don't we may find ourselves wondering why we're so misunderstood.  You may have heard, "it's the little things that count", but often, we get hung up on little things that really don't count for much of anything.  It's the nit-picking little things that can cause big stress.  You can focus on why the new assistant can't set up the room exactly like you showed her.  "Look, the cotton rolls go here."  Or...you can be content that she did her best this time and will likely remember where the cotton rolls go before long.  In that case, excellent may be a work in progress.  Sometimes excellent takes it's time and we have to be satisfied with good enough for a while until excellence finally arrives.  And if it never quite makes it to the station?  Can we live with good enough?  I hope so, or there'll be a lot more disappointments than contentments.

Happy Thanksgiving 2008

Happy Thanksgiving!  It's interesting, with the economy in a slump, I notice a lot of people in the media downplaying extravagance and being considerate of those of us trying to make a living.  Oprah's favorite things show is usually an extravaganza of big ticket items, with the audience receiving one of everything.  This year she did affordable gifts that you could make yourself or buy inexpensively.  Barak Obama is scaling down inaugural events and doing away with fireworks in consideration of the fact that people are struggling.  Looks like we're all growing up a little.

A poster on Dentaltown wanted to share her map for success.  It was so well received and so doable, that I asked her if I could re-print it here. You may not agree with everything she says, but, if you're struggling in your practice and you find even one thing that gives you some hope, it will be worth reading.  Here it is:

"For anyone who's interested....I'm having my best year ever. I just wanted to share this because I think some of my younger colleagues (or older ones, too) might benefit.  I'm so fortunate, that I want to share my good fortune...

 My accountant says he's never seen anything like my success  in an established practice.  Want to know how???  (This requires no financial investment....I'm a full fee-for-service practitioner for almost 30 years....I do a lot of high end C&B and implant restorations....I'm not selling anything!)  I've been Dawsoned, Speared and Pankeyed to within an inch of my life and while that's what I choose for my own mouth, I'm not my patients nor are their needs the same as mine.  Therefore, I've developed a practice philosophy that says, "give them what they want".  Not that I don't tell them that an FMX/exam, full equilibration, 28 teeth in occlusion minus all signs of plaque, calculus and perio disease with adequate attached tissue and no tmj pathology isn't  a great goal, but come on....for some, it isn't important nor attainable for a variety of reasons.  My "rules" are:

1.  Be REALLY interested in your patients.  Talk to them about what they want in their mouths and how that fits with their lives.  Take time to hear the story - knowing what the patient is really about will enrich them - and you!!  take a minute to look at an older patient's pictures of their grandchildren or their new puppy.  Let a young person tell you his/her dreams.  Caring is really cheap marketing and benefits you in your soul, too.   Even if you only have a minute, take the time to shake their hands, look them in the eyes and be GENUINELY interested.  You can't fake this stuff.  Spend a few hours by yourself and find the best in you and be willing to share it with others. 

I now spend almost $0 on external marketing now (I have a website, am in the yellow pages with no ad).  I get plenty of new patients by word-of-mouth referral in an area with a dentist on every other corner.  They know I care ....they send their friends. 

2.  Be ready to give them what they want - today!!  I can turn around a crown prep asap - I can start a denture right now.  We have our systems down - we can turn on a dime.  People decide what they want to do and they do it now - or whenever they want to - it's all fine with me.  No dire predictions, no shaking my finger at them.  I'll take care of them when they need me and since I don't threaten me, they call when they can or need to.

3.  Have payment plans - we use Care Credit.  So I pay 10% - I charge top dollar for crowns - it's just the price of doing business and we do a lot of it because the whole US population uses credit cards.  I collect 98%....and no one sues me the day after they're sent to collections because it almost never happens.  (If we get to that point, I usually write it off...why beat a dead horse....besides, it causes me more psychological pain and that's worth a lot to me)

4.  Don't be judgemental.  Most folks are doing about the best they can.  Tell them you're glad they're here.  Tell them it's ok that they're not in good health - you'll help them.  Don't allow anyone in your office - including the Nazi floss hygienist - to shame a patient.  People go where they're accepted and cared for.

5.    Hire kind, compassionate, capable staff members.  People who have chips on their shoulders, are not real bright or drink all night don't make good dental employees. You've got to hire smart, caring people with good work ethics.  You can't train those qualities - either they have it or they don't.  You have to pay these people well.  I don't  believe in bonuses as I think it creates a very mercenary attitude, but you can pay well and expect the best. 

6.  Love your work.  I love these people and they know it.  Some have been with me for years and some I hope I'll know until I retire (or die - I like this so much, I may just do that at the chair).  If you hate your job - do something else.  I think every morning about what great patient I'll see that day who will share some of his/her life with me.  I am so grateful for them.  Being productive is one of the keys to a good life - if you want to retire, great!  You'll do it faster

7.  Love your life.  I have wonderful kids and a terrific mate.  I even have a cute dog....sassy, but cute!!  Life is way too short and being glad for each day above ground is really the way to go.  If you can't get there, get therapy, get a faith....go to a 3rd world country and really see the poverty and pain there.  We in the US are so lucky.  Feel it, realize it....soak it in.  We are some of the best educated, most fortunate people in the history of the planet.

8.  Live within your means.  Save some and give some away.  Elliminate your debt at whatever speed you can but know that you'll sleep much better at night when you owe no one.

9. Volunteer at a low-cost clinic, lead a Scout troop or give of yourself in some other way often.  You have time - you just think you're too busy.  When you give, you are operating from a position of wealth and wealth creates wealth.  You'll live the adage - "I felt sorry that I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet".

10.  Take care of yourself.  Exercise your body and mind daily - nurture your spirit.  You can't give away what you don't have yourself - but you can get it.

So, hope that's helpful and hopeful for someone.  It seems like common sense to me, but dental school may have scrubbed your best self out of you.  Take it from an older person who's lived a little and received more gifts of love and kindness than any of us every really deserve.    I'm feeling extraordinarily grateful today.  Take care of yourself - be kind."

One poster responded negatively and said that they are doing all the above and failing.  They felt that she must live in a small town with lot's of government employees and that most couldn't replicate this success.  I think the point was missed that her happiness was also impacted by her attitude and the personal life she had built.  This was her thoughtful response:

"You're right - I was supposedly in the "golden age of dentistry" when I graduated in the late 70's.  I was living in the "rust bowl" of the Midwest and some areas never did rebound.   When I was first in practice, I paid interest of 22% on the practice loan and was too naive to know that was awful!  You're also right that some areas have been hit much harder than others - and some practices harder than others.  No, I don't live in a small town - a large metro/suburban area with dentists everywhere - but I've been here forever so I have the advantage of knowing many people for a long time.   I also know that the economy (and life)cycles.  We had the tremendous economic growth of the 90's when everyone made money (which you missed being in school).  It'll come back...  It's making it until then and having faith it will.  But this world-wide economic crisis is a newer phenomenon, you're absolutely right, and it's scary for a lot of folks.  I only allow myself to read my Wall Street Journal twice a week to not get overly upset about what's going on worldwide since I really can't impact it.

About Pollyanna -- maybe although not from being sheltered.  I've raised two kids as a single mom and had my share of disappointments that everyone usually has if they live long enough.   I recently went to China (my in-laws were refugees in WWII).  After seeing how their relatives have had to live - displaced from their homes,  many killed in the war and brutalized under Mao, I'm nothing but grateful for where I am.  My sweetheart has also had cancer and a heart attack in the last 4 years.  Overall, every day above ground is good -especially in this country.  Just one person's point of view.  Just wanted to offer some encouragement for those who are "newer" to the vicissitudes of the market - and living! "

Have a wonderful day! 

Stas' and Andrea, I know Stas' will read this since he's my most loyal reader, we miss you and hope you have a happy Thanksgiving.

Life Goes On

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

                                                                                    ~Robert Frost~

I've heard a few people talk about dealing with the dilemma of losing an employee.  "What will the patients think, she knows everyone?"  "She's the heart of the practice, how will we keep going?"  "I'm a new owner, patients will think something's wrong."  Such worrying and fretting over nothing.  Life goes on...really.

Sure it's great to have a team that's been together a long time if they work well together.  Many times, there are problems behind the scenes that surface once a staff member leaves.  Sometimes a dentist is concerned about losing a staff member who gossips or is the only one who knows how to do things, especially at the front desk.  If they gossip, don't worry about them gossiping about you after they leave, they've probably been doing it all along.  If they're the only one who knows how to do things, their departure gives you an opportunity to learn how to do those things yourself.  Believe me, they are not the only one in the world who can do those things, someone can teach you.  You may find yourself making some discoveries when that happens, too.

If the employee is someone you don't want to lose, sit down and talk to her and see what's up.  Maybe you can come to an agreement that works well for you.  I once gave notice after coming to my limit of what I could handle from two very abusive team members.  My employer at the time asked me to give him the weekend to find a solution.  On the following Monday he fired the team members.  It was the beginning of a wonderful turnaround for the office.  Sometimes opportunities come dressed up as problems.

If you are an employee who has been fired, (I hate the word terminated) don't despair even though I'm sure it feels terrible.  You can look at this change as a problem or an opportunity.  Even if you were happy in your job, something wasn't right or you'd still be there.  Take a good look at yourself and change what doesn't work well.  Hopefully your employee gave you an honest explanation of the reason for letting you go.  Use that to improve.  You will work again and it may be better than ever. 

Whether you are an employer or employee, there are some things that you can't control, and the whims or opinions of others are two examples of that.  Don't take it personally if you are left or asked to leave.  It's not necessarily about you, it just might be about them.  Pick yourself up and take a lesson from life...go on.

Don't Blink

As you've no doubt noticed, a lot of what I write about on this blog comes straight from personal experience.  This post is no different.  It may just be more important than any practice management advice I could ever give you. 

We dropped our youngest child off at college yesterday.  After going through this twice before, I thought I had it down.  I knew what I was in for, I was used to this.  Well, I was wrong, this was the hardest one to drive away from, because at the end of the day, I had run out of kids.  The part of my life that included coming home to someone who would call me Mom, was over.  And it all seemed to happen in the blink of an eye.

I remember when this youngest was an infant, he was five years behind the middle one and I had learned about the blink by that time.  I knew that babyhood went by just that fast, so I didn't resent or bemoan his waking in the night.  I cherished the time alone with him.  As he grew up we all enjoyed his laid back personality and accepting nature.  The point is, we took the time to enjoy him and all our children.  Even so, when we first left him, all I could remember was the times he waited.  He waited for a soccer game that his brother was playing in to be over, he waited for his sister and I to finish shopping, he waited for his father to come back from a business trip, and he waited for me to come home from work every night.  That weighed heavily as I reminisced, until I remembered that we had the kind of family that was worth waiting for.  Sure, we were busy, sometimes he waited longer than I wanted him to, but he knew the wait would be worth it.  Once we were together again, we had the best part of our day.

I'm telling you this to remind you of what is most important.  I know it's exciting to get some advice that you can't wait to try in your practice.  This is advice that you shouldn't wait to use in your life.  Pay attention to your kids now, they don't hold.  You don't get this time back when you're finished reaching your practice goals.  When you close the door to your office at night, leave it there.  Tell some funny stories at dinner, but leave the worries behind.  You can't do much about them when you're not there anyway.  Those kids are waiting and it's you they're waiting for.  Don't blink, because when you focus again the baby will be going to kindergarten, the toddler will be getting ready for prom and the pre-schooler will be trying on wedding gowns.  I'm talking from experience again, I blinked once in a while and I wish I didn't.  Thankfully, kids are forgiving and I didn't blink too often, but the times I did come back to haunt on the ride home from that college drop off. 

If you listen to only one thing I write on this blog, listen to this:  Don't Blink.

Personal Life

    If your first thought was, "What's that?", you may need to think about what you're doing.  Anyone can get caught up in their job, but I think practice managers have the greatest tendency to do that.  Many of us have such a strong sense of responsibility, that's how we got the job in the first place, that we tend to fall into job obsession quite easily. 
    It's not a good thing to do.  You have to take care of yourself so that you can perform well in all areas of your life.  I've talked about L.D. Pankey's cross of life a few times here before.  It includes work, play, love and worship.  Without some of each we can start veering off course.  The problem is that we often don't or can't see it that way.
    Think about it this way.  Do you think your husband and kids are sitting home waiting for the front door to open so that they can hear all about grouchy patients, lazy co-workers and demanding bosses?  Or maybe they'd enjoy hearing about how that 2nd molar smelled when it was extracted or about the kernel of corn you scaled out of Mrs. Jones' gums.  Nope, it's only interesting to you.  Now telling a few funny stories is fine, but don't come in talking about how bad you've got it.  They deserve to see your face light up when you see them. 
    Taking care of yourself also includes exercise and doing things you enjoy.  Exercise increases endorphins which make you feel good.  Having fun gets your brain out of the worry rut that can develop when you do nothing but work.  Getting out with friends and having a good laugh or doing something you enjoy makes you happier and more productive when you are at work. 
    Worship, whatever that means for you, gives you direction.  It helps put all other aspects into perspective.  It takes you outside yourself and makes you see that you are here in this life for a short time.  You don't get time back once it's spent so don't be frivolous with yours.
    Taking time for yourself is not selfish.  In the end it may be the most generous thing you can do for everyone.  You'll be more of a total package and you'll be able to come at problems from a different perspective.  You'll not only be more present for your family, you'll get more enjoyment from them as well.  If you forgot what it's like to have a personal life, go find it again.  Wait till you see what you've been missing.

Ya Gotta Have Fun

    Ok.  So it's the weekend.  Are you gonna have some fun?  Has your idea of fun turned into sleeping  late in the morning?  Come on, you can have more fun than that.
    You work hard all week.  You take care of so many other people day in and day out.  Some of them are not so much fun.  Some of them are great.  They're the ones who know how to have fun.  They don't forget to enjoy themselves.  That makes them enjoyable to be around.
    So, here's a challenge for you.  Go out and do something that you used to love to do.  Have a few glasses of wine and go ice skating, just stay away from everyone else.  And whatever you do, don't drive.  Go sing karaoke at a place where no one knows you. Have a snowball fight.  Become a hugger, even if it's just for the weekend.  Talk to someone you don't know.  Play a practical joke.  Shake it up a little.  Have some fun.  Laugh your self silly. 
    Have some balance in your life.  Don't just sit around all weekend watching tv.  Be silly with your kids. If they look shocked you'll know it's been way too long since you've cut loose.  Dance in your living room.  Sing at the top of your lungs.  At the end of the weekend, promise yourself to do it again next weekend.  Don't worry if your muscles are sore.  That means it was long overdue.  Let me know how it goes.

How Did 50 Get Here So Fast?

    Ok, I'm admitting it.  Today is my 50th birthday.  It got here so fast!  Wasn't I just wishing I was a teenager?  Then I couldn't wait until I graduated high school, got married, had babies, had money.  Well, I've gotten all that.  I remember Oprah saying that the 40's were the best years of her life.  I experienced a lot of loss in my 40's.  My Grandmother, parents and in-laws died and my children grew up and started leaving home.  Even my beloved dog, Lola, died.  It didn't seem as good as Oprah said it would be.
    I finally realized it was all about what I decided to see.  If I could only look at the sadness, I'd be destined to be sad.  I started to make a mental list of all the good things that happened in that decade.  My husband and I celebrated our 25th anniversary a few years ago.  Two of our children have graduated college.  One has her master's degree and the other is pursuing his.  Our youngest will graduate high school this year.  Our daughter married a wonderful person who we dearly love.  I  have a new dog, Lucy, who I'm crazy about.  I have a great job and work with truly special people.  My husband is my best friend and I have a fantastic relationship with my kids.  Maybe Oprah is right after all.
    I was talking to our 19 year old dental assistant today.  I told her that I still remembered what it was like to be 19 and that it didn't seem so long ago.  I also told her that it didn't seem to take so long to go from 19 to 50.  My message was do everything you want to do.  Enjoy it all and look for the good.  Experience the sad or bad and allow it to make you even more grateful for all the gifts in your life.  When she turned 50, Oprah amended her original statement and said that 50 was the best time of her life.  I'll let you know how it goes.

The Old North Dental Society Has It Goin' On

     Wouldn't you know it?  I go on vacation to the beach and the sign in the hotel lobby says, "Welcome Old North Dental."  Wow, I just can't get away from all things dental.  Well, after seeing this great, fun-loving group, I'm glad our visits overlapped.

     This week my weblog is about the Cross of Life and how you have to make time for the different aspects that make a happy life.  These people had it all going on at once.  They were here for a dental conference and many had brought family, including extended family.  They were having a blast.  They were fun to watch and they were a living example of how to have a great time.  One gentleman was fully dressed, sitting on a chair on the beach watching about 15 of his family members having a blast in the surf.  As I walked by, I asked him if he preferred dry land to the waves and what lies beneath.  He smiled and said he was enjoying seeing his family have fun and was thanking God for making it possible for him to achieve what he has so that he could afford to bring them all here. 

     There you have it.  Work, play, love and worship all being realized and acknowledged by one sweet man.  So simple and so easy  to enjoy.  Is it sitting right under your nose waiting for you to realize that you've got it really good?  By most standards, these were simple pleasures that this gentleman was so thankful for.  Well...maybe he realizes that it's the simple pleasures that make a real life.

She Said Turd!

    I just had to share this comment that one of my favorite readers e-mailed me about my Brain Freeze article.  I can't get away with anything. 

She said turd.  HeHeHeHe




    I'm glad I wasn't drinking soda when I opened that.  I would have exited through my nose.  Thanks for the laugh Dennis.

Brain Freeze

    How much praise do you need and how much thanks is enough?  I'm bouncing this off Gretchen Rubin's article The Desire For Praise on her Happiness Project blog.  She is a featured Typepad blogger this week and that's how I found her site.  I'm glad I did.  She has some really great articles that will probably make me squirm a little as I read them.  She hits you where you live and that's where we all need to be prodded once in a while.  This article really hits home with me.  I finally can admit it.  I'm a praise junkie.  One hit just makes me want a bigger fix next time.  It causes me problems and makes it hard for me to enjoy the good feedback I do get for very long because, "Hey, didn't you see what I just did?"  Exhausting!
    So, reading Gretchen's article made me wonder how I got that way.  Don't bother getting your tissues out, it's the same old story.  Middle kid of two brothers who excelled at everything...or so it seemed to me.  So, to make a long story short, I suppose a counselor would say that's where it started, but I've pushed that turd around long enough trying to see what's under it.  I found out it looks the same on all sides and really doesn't tell me much so I've decided it's finally time to kick out it of my life. 
        When you spend your time waiting for your next hit of praise or thanks and let yourself sink into resentment or jealousy when you don't get it, you just work against yourself.  Here's how.  If you're sitting around feeling resentful and jealous, you can't do good stuff that you can feel great about.  Like Gretchen says, don't wait around for others to notice and appreciate what you do, do it for yourself.  Figure it out already.  When you eat your ice cream too fast you get brain freeze.  If you keep doing the same thing, it keeps hurting.  It's the same way with self-sabotaging behaviors.  Believe it when you feel the pain, if you keep doing it, it will keep hurting. 
    Dental offices can be funny places as far a praise goes.  There can be a lot of posturing and posing.  We've all seen the rather lazy co-worker who gets busy in front of the dentist doing things that really don't need to be done.  She can make it look like she's cheerily doing an exhausting job while he's noticing and then walk away and leave a pile of unfinished mess behind her.  And it gets even better when he says, "Would you go help her clean that up, she's been working so hard, she must be exhausted."  Yeah, you'd love to just point out the reality to him, wouldn't you?  Take it from me,  it doesn't work.  In his eyes, you'll just make her a hard-working saint and yourself a mean, ornery, tattling slouch.  Is your head starting to hurt yet?  I have found that no one will ever see you as good as you see yourself when your thrilled with yourself, and no one will ever see you in as bad a light as you see yourself when you're being hard on yourself.  So it evens out pretty well.  I think the best way to stay in balance is to take praise and criticism in equal measure, spend a small amount of time weighing for accuracy and usability, and go on with your life.  That's it.

It Really Is A Wonderful World

There have been so many disturbing events happening in the world lately that it can be hard to remember sometimes that in many ways it really is a wonderful world. Atrocities can divert our focus and make us believe that it's hopeless to think that we can have an impact against such monumental horror.
Singly, that might be true. One person alone can't make the whole world change. It's the chain of events that one person can put in motion that can have a big effect. Those of us who work in health care have an advantage. We get to affect many people every day. They in turn go on to affect everyone they encounter. So, you have a responsibility to choose wisely. The important choice that you have to make is about what you will choose to see. Will you see the goodness that is around you in others and in the world, or will you see the negativity? Will you believe in others and in their goodness or will you question the motives behind every kind deed or sincere expression?
Start with how you treat and react to your co-workers. Always expect the best and try to find it in them. You may be surprised at how much goodness there really is. Don't be cynical toward them. People can become so defensive if they've been hurt that they mistrust friendship when it is offered and suspect that a compliment may be setting them up to be taken for a fool. Don't fall into that thinking. Relax into trust. Go along and help others reach goals and perform well. Let them know how good you feel about them.
Bring that goodness and belief to your patients. Treat them lovingly and sincerely. That is how you have an impact on the world. Choose to see the goodness that is in them and all around you. Create more of it. It really is a beautiful world and there are many wonderful people in it. Pay attention to the courage in young children. See the humor and experience in your elderly patients. Have fun with the people you work with and the patients you see and let them know that you care about them and appreciate them. Pass up the opportunity to criticize and make the most of every chance to show gratitude or give praise. Keep making it an even more wonderful world.

Hate Is Always Ugly

    I live in a small town in western North Carolina.  It's beautiful here and I love almost everything about it.  I was born in Brooklyn, NY and moved to New Jersey when I was 8.  I guess if you had to categorize me, I have Northern roots and Southern leaves.  I've lived here over 20 years and every now and then somebody lets me know they don't just love Yankees, but most of the time once they get to know me and my family they decide we're all right.  All in all most people are wonderful. Just like most people everywhere.  Recently someone sent this into the letters to the editor:

Yankees have worn out their welcome

 

To The Editor: This isn't Fort Sumter, but the Yankee hole the in county receives the first volley.

We are Southern, different and proud, displaying hospitality and friendship unsurpassed by any other region or people. We too have a back-bone and guts, saying it is a desirable trait, for it allows our citizens to say "Never shall we march to Yankee Doodle Dandy." We will give one rebel call and it is on.

Businessmen, you hear an accent -- double the price in front of their eyes.

Landowners, when a Yankee makes offer on your land, mark it up a thousand-fold.

Citizens, when one smarts off, give him the boot.

A Yank asks for the time of day -- refuse to give it to him for he will accuse you of it being wrong.

When they want service, it is three times the price. Really it's worth ten-fold to put up with the know-it-all opinionated, obnoxious, curt, hateful jerks.

Why they desire to be asinine and run the show to change things to what they screwed up and left is a mystery. Yankee dogs, go home, don't bother to look back. Your worthless tails might turn to lead.

Ev Talburt

Hendersonville

    

Well, that writer knows where he stands.  He'd like others to stand with him.  I think only one other person wrote in to agree.  Everyone else was vehemently against this opinion.  My feeling is that everything's OK.  The writer is proving that American's have the right to express their opinion.  And other people then get the opportunity to stand and give witness to what is fundamentally good.  It's OK for this writer to prefer that Northerner's stay up North.  It's OK for him to want to get others to jump on his bandwagon.  I believe in the basic goodness of Americans. When they see something like this they say, "What are you, crazy?"  "This isn't right and we're not going along with it."  You've probably heard the talk about Imus and the bigoted remarks he made.   He had the right to say what he did, but that doesn't mean he's right.  He's dead wrong.  And most of the rest of the country rose up against it.  He will bear the consequences of asserting that right.  He won't pay with his life, but he'll pay with his livelihood.  He'll always be remembered for that prejudiced comment.  His whole career will be defined by one sentence.  If this writer owns a business in town, he'll probably experience the same.  I'm impressed that he had the guts to sign his name.  From here on in, most people with think of him as the person who wrote this terrible letter.  It doesn't bother me for myself, it bothers me for humanity.  I saw the Rutgers basketball coach on television talking about how Imus' comments affected her team.  She said, "He hurt our character."  She's wrong.  He gave the team a chance to display their character, which they did beautifully.  He looks stupid and they look noble.  Hate is always ugly and integrity is always something to wear proudly.
    People don't really understand what their prejudices are sometimes.  That's why people look so dumbfounded when they make the statement that "Some of my best friends are black" and get called bigoted.  I imagine someone did something to this person.  That person probably happened to be from up North.  The association was made and nothing has happened since to make him reconsider.  Or he doesn't want his mind changed. I once had a very intelligent person make a comparison between Northerners and Southerners.  In this comparison, both turned out OK at the end, but the Southerners were a little more OK a little sooner.  He told me to wait till he got to the end of his statement so that I could see he wasn't putting Northerners down.  I guess from his point of view, he wasn't.  I decided to just live with it.  He's entitled to feel right about it.
    Sometimes, just living with it is fine.  You don't have to debate everything.  People are entitled to their viewpoint. When their viewpoint is dangerous and attacks what we have worked decades to build, then it's important to not only debate, but to take a definite stand.  Imus and this writer both resurrected an ugly past in the history of our country.  We can be proud that we have moved away from thinking that it's OK to feel that way.  It's appropriate to raise one voice as a country and say, "We don't accept that and we won't stand for it."  That is loving humanity.  For the smaller stuff, you can try to make them see another way.  The best way to change minds is with your actions, words, example and basically the way you treat others.  Quiet persuasion gives nothing to go against.  We all meet our maker in the end, and he doesn't care where we're from.  Let's face it, he put us there.  When I see a letter like this, I try to find some compassion for the tormented person who wrote it.  You would have to be tormented to feel the way he does and to have everything march on around you, oblivious to your desire.  It's all in how you look at it.

You Owe It To Yourself

    It's a beautiful spring day here and I just got home from work.  I plan to do something outdoors with my dog, Lucy, for the rest of the day.  I was really into what I was doing at work and ended up working about 2 hours longer than I had planned to.  I was in the zone and when I came out of the zone and looked at the clock I was disappointed.  I could have spent 2 extra hours doing something fun and relaxing.  The work would have waited.  It's always waiting isn't it?  When you are managing a practice there's always more you could do.  Remember that and make sure you don't let your work responsibilities override your responsibility to yourself and those around you to have some rest, relaxation and fun. 
    There are times that I get so caught up in my job that I forget about the other things I like to do.  You might think that an employer would think this is great.  Well, if they are smart, they won't.  My boss has been through the Pankey Institute and he adheres to L.D. Pankey's philosophy on the cross of life.  He doesn't like to see me let my life get out of balance.  It's great to have a boss like that.  First, he let's me understand that he sees me as more than a dental employee.  He also understands that the best employees and people in general are multi-faceted.  What I enjoy in my personal life is reflected in what I bring to my professional life.  When I don't keep my life in balance it messes something up somewhere.  I may become distant from my family if I'm too caught up in work or they may feel neglected if I come home late and stick another frozen pizza in the oven.  It may also come back to bite me at work.   I may become too demanding of the staff or disinterested in relating to the patients as well as I usually do. I may simply not be any fun anymore.   Finally, it's not good for your health.  You may neglect a workout because you get lost in a chart audit.  The charts can be audited tomorrow and the next day and any day after that.  They can even be delegated to someone else if you're that busy. 
    Keep it all in perspective and all in balance so that you have more to offer and more to enjoy.  You only get one chance at every day.  Once it's done let it be over.  If there were problems in that day leave them be and look forward to the next chance to get it right.  We are all only human and we will never be remembered for finishing a chart audit.  And really, who'd want to be remembered for that?

How Do YOU Handle Crazy?

    Dental offices seem to bring out the most unusual behavior in some people.  I have seen friends come in and act totally out of character in  the chair.  Mild mannered ladies become aggressive, abusive tyrants.  Normally considerate gentlemen make sarcastic remarks and unkind comments.  We know it all comes from fear and anxiety so we don't get too upset by it.  As they relax they turn back into the people we know and love.
    Some of the craziest experiences I've had have been with people who want to enter the practice as new patients.  There are three that stand out above the fray.  They are all women so I wonder what that means.  Probably a good research topic.  The first was a lady in her sixties.  I should have been tipped off by the fact that she checked off every condition on the medical history sheet, including pregnancy.  She came into my office for the pre-clinical visit and proceeded to blame her former dentist for every tooth she had lost.  I asked her when she lost her first tooth and she stated that it had been 30 years ago.  I then asked her how long she had been seeing her previous dentist and she stated 5 years.  Something doesn't add up there.  She went on to tell me what she expected from us and I soon realized we weren't a good fit for her.  When I suggested that, she stood up and beat on my desk with her cane.  How did I handle it?  I prayed that she wouldn't take a swing at me and thankfully she left without any causing any bodily harm.
    The next was a lady who wanted a second opinion.  She remarked that her dentist had caused all her problems and that she would probably sue him.  When I asked her how long it was since she had seen a dentist before him, she replied 20 years.  She didn't seem like someone who accepted responsibility for their condition and again not a good fit.  She flew into a rage and tried to storm down the hall to find my unsuspecting boss.  I finally convinced her to leave after letting her know that I would resort to calling the police if I had to.  Once she finally went I had a nice 5 minute adrenaline let-down  shake.
    OK, so you must have figured it out by now.  The third crazy happened today.  A patient called and wanted us to see her and her adult daughter.  The receptionist said she'd be happy to set them up for comprehensive exams.  She wasn't having any of that.  She and her daughter needed to be seen for problems sooner than that.  The receptionist told them that they needed to have the exam and possibly x-rays.  The woman called back and said they needed to be seen next week because both were in severe pain and couldn't wait.  The receptionist squeezed them into a 30 minute appointment and let them know they would receive palliative care.  She called back again demanding that the filling be replaced in her tooth.  The receptionist asked me to take over.  I explained our protocol and she became angry and insulting and insisted that I go back to school and learn to do my job right.  I am sparing you the details, but believe me, it wasn't pretty.  I finally told her that we would not be able to help them and suggested another dentist.  I was told to go to... well, you know where, and finally had the release of the phone being slammed down on me.  Phew!  It's finally over.  Not so fast...She sent a fax that was "to be read only by the doctor!"  Of course, she listed all the faults she had detected in me in five minutes and demanded  that my firing to be followed by a phone call from the dentist beseeching her to come in as a new patient.  My boss laughed and went about his business.  So, how did I deal with crazy today?  I went out to dinner and split a bottle of Proseco with my husband. I feel much better now.  How do you handle crazy?  Feel free to comment, we'd all love to hear.

Desiderata

I have loved this poem since childhood.  I was recently reminded of it by a friend of mine.  I hope you enjoy it and find some wisdom in it as I have.



  Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

New Year's Resolutions, Yeah, Right!

    This is the time of year to fool ourselves again.  At least for a little while.  We all start out with a grocery list of improvements we're going to make.  It can cover the whole spectrum of our lives and personalities.  For instance, lose weight, be more patient, read more, exercise more, spend more time with the family and on and on.  Realistically, it won't happen.  That's because it's so unfocused and over-reaching.  No one can really expect to make more than one or two major changes in their life at a time.  If they could, they wouldn't need to make a defining statement about it, they'd just do it. 
    I'm going to suggest making just one change at a time.  It is supposed to take 21 days to establish a new habit.  Why not pick the most important thing that you need to change and focus on that as your goal?  Stick with it until you either reach it or it becomes so ingrained as part of your life that you don't have to think about it anymore.  Once you have chosen your goal make it the first thing you think about in the morning and the last thing you think about at night.  When you wake up, ask yourself what you will do today in pursuit of your goal.  When you go to bed, review all that you did to get closer to success.  I am going to choose losing weight.  That is the goal that will affect the most areas of my life right now.  First, there's the health issue.  'Nuff said.  Then there's the vanity issue.  My daughter's getting married in October and I don't want to be a dowdy looking mother of the bride.  Then there's the issue of how I'll look in my bike shorts in the spring.  I'm trying to take the guy riding behind me into consideration.  Since it's my husband, I'd like him to have a better view.  Spandex is totally unforgiving.  When I wake up tomorrow, I'll hit the treadmill.  I really will.  I have to since I've told you I will.  What will you choose to change?  How will you do it?  Feel free to make your statement here and we'll hold you to it.  I'll let you know all about the treadmill tomorrow.

Boulders In The Road

    What do you do when you are faced with a problem that seems to be insurmountable?  When something you've been a part of for a long time seems to be slipping away?  When people you believe in don't seem to believe in themselves?  Do you give up and walk away?  Do you consider yourself or others to be failures?  Or do you step back and evaluate the situation or problem?  So many people quit too soon.  Thomas Edison said:
"Many of life's failures are experienced by people who didn't realize how close they were to success when they gave up."
    If you can take the emotion out of a problem, many times you will be able to see that what you are facing is not a complete dead-end, but merely a boulder in the middle of the road.  That is a very good thing.  That means there is a way around or over the problem.  Sometimes, you have to walk away for a while and pursue success somewhere else and come back to the problem with some positive experiences behind you.  Horizons don't exist in only one direction.  Look around for other opportunities to refresh your energies.  Read what Ed Brenegar has to say about finding your horizons here.    
    If something is important to you and you want it to work, don't give up.  Look at setbacks as learning experiences that will help you find your way to the winning solution.  Take a different approach.  Don't keep trying the same, useless ways of dealing with problems.  Admit it doesn't work and find something that does.  When you focus your attention elsewhere for a while you will encounter different people and different problems and ways to solve them that may give you the answers you need.  Not every problem can be solved in the way that you think is best.  Sometimes you have to compromise and leave the boulder in the road and go around it so you can move on to something better.  There is always the next horizon and it's just up ahead.

I'm adding on here.  After I wrote this post, I was checking the websites I subscribe to on my feedreader and saw this by Ellen Weber on her Brain Based Business weblog.  Since two minds can be better than one, you may want to check out what she has to say about a complimentary subject.  She seems to think I have a lot of insights, but I got them from reading her and people like her.  I am a product of many open minds spilling forth their wisdom.  My main attribute is probably my desire to learn and improve.

Stresssss

    Are you feeling stressed?  It seems that everyone is so aware of their stress level these days.  With the holidays coming up, it can only get worse, right?  Before you know it, it's finally over and you can relax and start a new year.  So you begin anew, with a new resolution not to let yourself get so stressed, to do something to relieve your stress and before you know it, you need a vacation because you're so stressed.  Since the days go faster than they used to, the holidays are right around the corner again.  Well, at least you can soon make a new resolution to do something about all that stress.  Sound familiar? 
    So, what's up with all the stress?  Do we really have any more of it than the generations before us?  I don't remember my parents talking about being so stressed and they sure had plenty of responsibilities.  Are we just more aware of the problems in our lives or do we turn our pleasures into problems?  It seems a lot of what people stress about, should be pleasures.  Taking kids to practice, attending social events, shopping for the holidays, getting together with friends and family.  That should all be fun or at least enjoyable. 
    The dictionary defines stress as emphasis. It also defines it as the push, pull or force one thing places on another. Where then, do you place emphasis in your life?  What pushes or pulls you, and do you work with it or against it?  Let's look at driving kids to practice.  Do you emphasize the time it takes away from other things, or the time you get to spend on the drive with your child? Do you talk to your child about his day or do you talk on your cell phone? Do you take the opportunity to watch that kid learn a new karate move or do you dash out to get as many errands packed into that time as possible?  While you're at it, think about the message the kid receives.  Is he just another errand or someone worth the time to talk to and watch accomplish a new skill?  Is he learning about how stressful life is or how enjoyable life is? 
    How about those holiday get togethers?  You have to get something to wear, rush to get ready and then deal with all that mingling and small talk.  Why not wear something you have with some comfortable shoes and find someone at the party you love to talk to, but never seem to have time to, and really concentrate on them?  Have a real conversation.  When you're shopping for presents think about the person you're shopping for and try to get something that will mean something to them.  You'll enjoy giving it more.  Shop on-line if you are short on time and energy.
    So many times our stress comes from things beyond our control.  It comes from what other people have done, are doing, or will do in the future.  It is futile to emphasize the importance of what other people are doing.  Instead, focus on what you can control.  You can only control yourself and your reaction to situations at hand.  Don't waste time planning out counter moves concerning what someone else might do.  Because they might not do it and then you've wasted time you might have spent focusing on something enjoyable.
    So, if we become more conscious about what is important and what is not, we will know what to place emphasis on.  Hopefully, we'll forget to be stressed about it.   By all means, pay attention to serious matters and obligations, but focus on victories, accomplishments, people and things you love and what you have right now.  The future is right around the corner.  Get off the hamster wheel and poke around your life a little.  You may find you're already where you want to be.  You might remember how much fun it is to play a board game with your family or just pile onto the couch together to watch a holiday movie.  Wrapping gifts can be a creative labor of love, not just another hassle.  Teach your daughter how to do it so you have time to bake cookies with her later.  We give away our opportunities to teach our own children things that they can pass down to their children.  In the end, we are all replaceable at work or on board committeees.  We are not replaceable to our families and friends.  It's that simple.  It's true.  Place the emphasis on that and forget about dealing with stress.  Stress needs emphasis placed on it to survive as stress.  Otherwise, it's just life. 

How Big Can You Get?

    This past year has been a tough one for me.  It was hardest only second to the year I lost my mother.  There are a lot of changes going on.  My kids are leaving, one by one, for college.  My husband travels about 75% of the time, and I've had changes in my position, at a job I love, that were sometimes difficult to handle gracefully. 
    In many ways it was a make it or break it year.  I'd say, I've survived and even made it.  Three people had major impacts in my journey from there to here. 
    The first person made me see how small I really am in the grand scheme of things.  When push comes to shove, the world would go on without me, if it had to.  Maybe better, maybe worse, but on. 
    The second and third people showed me my possibilities.  They showed me how big I could be.  Not powerful, just a better me.  They showed me my potential and pointed me to it.  They didn't really pull or push, they just got behind me and kept me from sliding back.  There is no lasting effect if someone does it for you.  The tenacity is born in the struggle, in choosing the right path or turning from the wrong one once again, with the will and determination to find a better way.  Once you get there, it is yours.  There is dignity in trying one more time and finally succeeding. 
    You may say the second and third people were most important in my growth.  I disagree.  Without the first, there would have been no awareness of the need for change and growth.  It is all in how you look at a thing.  Where some may see callousness, I've learned to see concern and faith.  It's not easy to point out someone's failings and persist in a relationship with that person while they struggle with the hurt and anger that may cause.  Without any of the three, nothing would have changed. 
Many times growth is accompanied by pain.  If you can get past it, and wipe the tears and sweat out of your eyes, then you, may also get a glimpse of how big you can get.

Gratitude

    It's about a week early but I want to talk about gratitude.  There is so much in life to be grateful for.  At home, my family makes everything worth anything if it means having them around.  I am overwhelmed by how wonderful my husband and children truly are.  When I think about what we have shared, endured and built together, I take a minute to give thanks for what I have in them and pray that they stay safe from harm and sadness.  I am proud of the people my children are and feel very lucky to have been blessed with them.  They are wonderful, fun and full of integrity and character.  They love me too, and tell me all the time.
    I have friends who truly love and care about me.  They worry when something is wrong and celebrate with me when things go right.  We have a lot of laughs and lots of history behind us and more to come.  There isn't much we wouldn't do for each other and no matter how big a problem or difficult a situation, we lighten the load and even carry it for a while if we can.  I am always amazed at how good the people in my life are, I feel honored to have them.
    When I go to work, I have a great boss who encourages and supports me in using my talents and reaching and increasing my potential.  Our staff consists of very decent people with huge hearts and brave souls.  Our patients appreciate what we do for them and are enjoyable to work with.
    When I see my surroundings I really think that God outdid himself.  I live in the mountains of Western North Carolina and enjoy some pretty awesome scenery.  It makes me feel happy sometimes just to look around myself.
    I am also grateful for some of the difficult things that happen.  Not all of them, of course.  I am never happy to lose a love one or to watch someone I care about suffer.  But, I am happy for many of the challenges I've been given in life.  They've made me who I am and I like who I am.  I'm grateful for that, too.  I didn't always feel that way.  We need bad times and challenges to truly appreciate the great gifts in our lives. 
    Here's my challenge to anyone who reads this.  Think about what you're grateful for.  Now, take it one step further.  Express it.  Say it openly and honestly, even if you feel silly.  Tell the people you don't usually think to thank.  Thank your husband for sharing in your life and building it with you.  Thank your children for just being who they are.  Let them know what you feel about them from your heart.  Tell your boss you appreciate the opportunities you have in your job and tell him he does a good job.  How about your co-workers?  Whatever it is you like about them, let them know about it.  Share your heart with your friends.  They don't have to love you like your family does.  They could have just tossed you back in the pond.  They could have turned their backs and walked away when you cried on their shoulder yet again.  Thank God or whoever you believe in because you can't go it alone.  Make it a habit to focus on how good you have it.  Even when things are tough, find one thing to be thankful for and it will get you through. You won't be sorry and you will find that you'll have even more to be happy about.
    So, what are you grateful for?  Click on the comment button and let us know.  It is the season, after all.

I'd Be Fine If She Just Wouldn't...

    Let's talk about other people's behavior.  Doesn't it drive you nuts?!  Why can't everybody just act the way you do?  Everything would work so much better, everybody would be happy and you'd be a lot less aggravated, right?  Well, it may surprise you to know that it's not an original thought.  Everybody else thinks the same thing.  So, if you'd just shape up and behave the way they do, everything would be so much better.  You never thought of it that way, did you?  Don't feel bad, it just dawned on me, too.
    Be practical, what can you really do about someone who is slacking off while you're working hard?  You can stare at her every time you walk by, hoping that she'll make eye contact so you can roll your eyes at her.  That'll make her get moving, huh?  Or you can pitch a fit and maybe she'll start helping out but then you've got the problem of the resentful co-worker to deal with.  What can you do?  You can stop worrying about her and do what you need to do.  Sooner or later all the sitting around will catch up with her.  Or maybe it won't, what do you care?  You really just don't like seeing her get away with it.  You can do something though.  You can do your job well and that might catch up with you, too.  At least you'll have personal satisfaction and you'll be enhancing your character.  She's not your problem.  You are your problem.
    What if someone treats you unkindly?  Well, you better give it right back, shouldn't you?  Yes, if you want to let someone else have so much control over you that you let them guide your actions.  Did you ever watch two people engaged in this kind of thing?  Each one diminishes the other and both diminish them self, right?  Now, think of someone who rises above that behavior.  Pretty impressive, aren't they?  Emulate that person.  Eventually, the unkind person will either realize that they look ridiculous or they'll get bored and go away.  Either way, you remain intact. 
    Now, I know that none of this is easy, it's not meant to be.  Easy is for children and beginners.  Integrity is built on challenges.  One challenge conquered is the stepping stone to the next.  When you run out of challenges you stop growing so you better keep on.  Be mindful in your actions and reactions, they decide what you will be.

Control Yourself

        Self-discipline.  It sounds so simple and understandable.  What could be so hard about it, right?  Well, if it's so easy, why don't more people use it?  Let's break it down.  The dictionary defines self-discipline as the act of controlling your impulses.  Impulse is defined as the sudden wish or urge that prompts unpremeditated acts or feelings.  So where do you start?
    Can you prevent a sudden wish or urge?  Probably not.  You can only prevent your response to those wishes and urges.  Giving in to a wish or urge to murder someone is criminal and has severe consequences.  Giving in to a wish or urge to speak when you shouldn't, to complain hastily, to gossip or to pick a fight are much less onerous but also destructive in their own ways. 
    But, it's so hard to change.  You can have wonderful intentions, but they can be as insubstantial as smoke in the wind.  You can play the blame game and say "If she hadn't done that, I wouldn't have acted that way.  It's her fault for making me do this."  Tell it to someone who cares. You are your responsibility.  And sometimes, your own worst enemy.  It only makes sense to you that you allowed someone else's behavior to control your response.  You respond freely.  You choose whether to employ self-discipline or not.
    It is a conscious act at first.  It must be honed into a natural response.  I think that if you keep at it, after a while it becomes part of your character.  Think about it,is it worth it to diminish yourself for the momentary satisfaction of being a hero in your own mind?  Because remember, the person you're responding to might just think you're a schmuck. 
    I know it's hard.  Most things worth doing are.  Things that cause improvement come with their own form of growing pains.  No pain, no gain.  But at the end of the pain can come rebirth.  You are pushing forth a new and improved person of the world.  You might get a little banged up in the process, but you'll get over it.  And then you can start all over again.

The Blame Game

   

Dental offices are full of personality.  It's all over the place, in more ways than one.  First of all, there are a lot of people, between the staff and the patients coming and going all day.  Then there are the differences in all those personalities.  Now, all those different people with their individual personalities must interact with each other and make it all work.  That's a lot to ask of mere mortals.  How do you do it?
   I'm definitely not an expert, I have my own personality issues to work on, but you know what they say...those who can do, those who can't teach.  So let me take a crack at it.  I think the answer is to take responsibility for your own personality.  Identify the good traits that you have and while you're at it, take a look at what can be changed, improved, eliminated, or enhanced.  Then look at the people that you interact with.  Do the same, identify their strengths and weaknesses, without judging them, of course.  Now, how can you best play your personality off of their's?  I'm not suggesting you behave in a phony way, not at all.  Just decide which of your traits are acceptable to them and which aren't and use that as your guide.  If someone doesn't like to joke around, then have your serious discussions with them, save the funny stuff for the person that likes that.  Respect who they are and their boundaries. 
    I once worked with someone who did not like to be teased and I'm kind of a joker.  Every day we would get into it and I would walk away wounded.  I thought "I'm just trying to have fun with her, she's such a pill".  Then I finally realized that my idea of fun and her's were worlds apart.  I was just annoying her.  It didn't matter that I thought she was grouchy.  If I wanted a better relationship with her, then I would have to change what I was doing.  I had to stop blaming her.  It worked.  She's still not a lot of fun, but that's OK, that's who she is.  There are other people to have fun with and she and I get along better now that I understand and respect her boundaries. 
    It's hard to find out that there are things about you that people you enjoy don't like.  But, if you think about it, it's better to know so you can make adjustments rather than ruin a relationship forever.  There is something to be appreciated in the fact that they will risk the consequences of their honesty.  It doesn't mean that they don't like you, it just means that that part of your personality doesn't work for them.  So now you have a decision to make.  Are they important enough to you?  Will you to make some concessions,  or not? In a work situation, you probably should and it really takes nothing but self-discipline.  I just made that sound easy and I know (believe me) that it's not.  Let me think about that a little and I'm sure I'll have something to say on that subject soon.

Balancing Acts

    I just watched a wonderful tribute to the women who gave birth after losing their husbands in the 9/11 catastrophe.  Every year since it happened, I know I get an uncomfortable awareness that a terrible anniversary is approaching.  I guess this is the new normal for September from now on.  I watched those women with their children as images of the men they lost were shown and I was filled with admiration for them.  I'm amazed by the strength that people can find to rise out of their sadness and despair and live again. 
    There was also a tribute to Steve Irwin tonight.  They showed him full of life.  His children and wife really loved him and now will go on to a life without him.  How will they do it?  He was such a big part of their lives.
    My brother was in the World Trade Center on 9/11.  He was lucky, he got out 5 minutes before it fell.  Do you think he must thank God for saving him?  He still doesn't believe in God.  I asked him if he prayed.  He didn't.  We never hear from him unless we call him.  He's not able to go on with the life he had in some ways.  He's different, of course he would be.  He never talks about it.  There's something appalling in his head that we will never know or understand.
    One thing I always notice when something horrible happens is that people need to talk and keep talking as if they will say something sooner or later that will make the outrageous make sense.  Patients come into the office and everyone feels basically the same and says basically the same thing and you just keep listening over and over until one day nobody talks about it anymore.  Until the anniversary comes around. 
    My husband asked me why I remember the anniversary of bad or sad things.  He says he only remembers good anniversaries like weddings and births.  Not me.  I'll always be melancholy in July because that's when my mother died.  But I have happy memories in February, October and November because that's when my children were born.  Different people find their balance in different ways.  It's important to let them do it their way.
    I hope someday my brother can find a way to balance what happened to him that day with some good things in his life.  My husband may not remember the dates of his sad days but he remembers the thing that made it sad.  He's a great balancer, he gets over disappointment and gets back in the game.  I take longer but I am who I am and I do my best.  My daughter just lost a much loved pet.  She's very upset.  She lives four hours away and I want her to feel better.  She will in her own time.  She'll get through the way she does.  We can be there for others but we can't make them do what we'd do.  It's their balancing act. 
    Hopefully, most of our lives weigh heavier on the happiness side of the scale, but not everyone's does.  It's important to remember that when you come across someone who's behavior you don't understand. They may be balancing as best as they can.  It may take all their effort. Don't make it harder. Don't judge or tell them what you'd do.  Don't take it personally if you can help it.  It may be the best thing you could do for them.  No matter how well you know someone, there's the life that happens inside their heart and mind and soul that is known only to them.  Just be there to help in case they lose their balance.

You Gotta Read This

    I just read Ed Brenegar's new post "The Fragility of Friendship. and I think it's a real wake up call.  It also happens to be 5:30 am so I kind of mean that literally, too.  Go read it and think about it.  I will too and I'm sure I'll have more to say about it later.  In the meantime, duty calls, go out and have some fun, be productive and do some good things today.  Make today count on the plus side.

All Work and No Play? No Way!

    Sometimes it seems that work becomes all-encompassing, especially for those in management or leadership positions.  There is so much to think about, worry about, learn and plan for.  During times of high stress or extreme busyness it can seem almost impossible to think of anything else.  Even sleep can seem elusive for those with the constant issues on their mind.  But, there's a problem with all this dedication and drive.  You could be headed for burnout.  With nothing else to focus on, after a while everything about that career that once seemed so interesting and exciting can congeal into a big ball of worry.
    The result of letting work become the only thing is multi-faceted and none of those facets are good.  Performance can suffer because new ideas don't emerge from a troubled mind.  Enjoyment of the job is lowered because it's hard to find much fun in all that stress.  Relationships can be damaged because no one appreciates a distracted spouse or parent, a boring friend who can only talk about their job because that is all there is in their life, or a tensed up frazzled employee or co-worker who can become downright grim at the slightest set-back.  So all that dedication and sacrifice gets you nowhere that you want to be.
    What's the solution?  Balance, other important things in life to enjoy and engage in.  Family and friends are important and should always be in the forefront of your life.  Hobbies and interests give your brain a break from all the strain and stress and recharge your mind so you can approach your job refreshed and rejuvenated.  Sports or exercise are good for the soul as well as the body.  Speaking of the soul, whether you engage in organized religion, meditate or keep a journal; it is important to remember and be thankful for all the wonderful things and people in your life.  It is so easy to lose focus on the good in stressful, busy times. 
    Taking time for the other important parts of your life doesn't make you a less dedicated employee or a slacker.  It makes you a well-rounded human being who is less likely to have problems at home and more likely to have more quality effort to bring to your job.  A person with a peaceful mind and heart can accomplish more, in a better way, than a stressed out worrier who runs themselves in circles trying the same worn out solutions to the same recurring problems because they are too exhausted to think of something new.
    Look at your own life and see if your house is in order.  Do it periodically because it's easy to slip into skipping the gym another night to finish a report or going home late again because nobody really notices anyway.  If people don't notice you're not there, it's because you've trained them not to depend on you.  In the end, your boss can fire you, your family can't.  So give your job it's due, but give your family yourself.