Exceptional Dental Practice Management

Thoughtfulness

This is a picture that was taken of my daughter, Kim, and me last night. You may notice my beloved son-in-law, Adam, giving me devil horns. It was my husband's birthday and we'd just finished dinner.  My son, who lives in Florida, had sent a box of presents, not only for my husband, but there was something for everyone.  It was thoughtful of him, and it made us happy.  I could picture him going to the Ron Jon shop, determined to find something that each of us would enjoy.  He was doing it purely to make us happy.  He probably felt good doing it as well, and that's a side benefit of making others happy. I know he put a lot of thought into what everyone would like because he told me about his decision process and he really considered each person's likes and dislikes. 

     Funny enough, I had been thinking this post out last night after seeing this picture and this morning found Dr. Marc Cooper's newsletter on Selflessness waiting for me. Register to receive his newsletter here, it's a good one.  I realized that selflessness allows thoughtfulness, and in the end, makes room for everyone to feel good.

    My husband took this picture and sent it to Erik so he could see how happy he made us.  You guessed it, I'm sure it made Erik happy to see it.  Enough about me and my family, but can you see how this attitude of selflessness and thoughtfulness can make life in a dental practice a pleasure?  It's funny, often people tell me that my boss is lucky to have me.  I wonder why they don't realize that it's a circle.  He may be lucky to have me, but I'm lucky to work for someone as pleasant, kind and fun as him.  We are both lucky to have a team that is willing to keep improving, happy in what they do, and great to work with.  They think we are fair and generous.  We all make each others lives better at work and that benefits our patients.  It never seems to end, thankfully.  And if you think we aren't better friends, wives, husbands, mothers, etc. for spending our days that way, you're fooling yourself.  It has a direct impact on our lives and our day to day happiness.

    Think about the alternate reality that many offices are immersed in.  So many times you hear of offices where backstabbing, jealousy and childish games seem to be the norm.  It makes me wonder how anything ever gets done.  I'm sure that no dentist ever thinks that will be his/her reality when they are leaving dental school.  Unfortunately, for many, even as associates, that is the first, and longest hurdle they have to handle.  Sadly, sometimes they spend their entire career re-approaching that same roadblock to success and happiness.  The key is to insist on something different, and to be the one to start.

    You spent a lot of your waking hours at work.  You can choose to make them happy.  You don't need everyone else behind you at the start.  Just get going and see what happens.  What will your impact be?  The ripple effect may surprise you.  When you see a normally grumpy co-worker come in with a funny story, when your boss thanks you for a great day, when a patient says she actually looked forward to her dental appointment, you'll know it's working.  Once you've started a cycle of thoughtfulness in your own office, branch out, treat the other practices you deal with thoughtfully, too.  I realized recently how a bad encounter with another practice can cause stress, and I'm kind of thinking that's the good that came out of that experience.  I now go out of my way to be sure to ask how the person who answers the phone is doing today.  I also really feel thankful for practices who are easy to work with and who respond to requests quickly, so I tell them how great they are.  They love hearing it.  That's a thoughtful act that costs nothing and takes only seconds to perform. 

    If you want to be happier, start being thoughtful and see where that gets you.  I think you'll like where you end up.

Confidence Lost And Found

"Life is not easy for any of us. But what of that? We must have perseverance and above all confidence in ourselves. We must believe that we are gifted for something, and that this thing, at whatever cost, must be attained."
Marie Curie

Well, if you read my post yesterday you might understand the title of this post.  I don't know about you, but conflict that is left unresolved tends to torment me.  I keep re-winding the situation in my mind to see if additional viewings might lead me to understand what went wrong.  My boss calls it ruminating and even accuses me of extrapolating now and then.  He's right, I guess.  I seem to have an overactive "what if" mechanism in my brain.  I have a hard time letting things play themselves out without trying to massage them into the outcome that I think would work best for everyone.  I was searching for inspiration on my friend Tom Morris' Institute For Human Values Website when I read the above quote.  I find so many answers on Tom's site, they just seem to jump off the screen for me.
So, to the quote:  Life is not easy for any of us.  So maybe we need to give each other a break, now and then.  Ok, so maybe it's not my turn to get a break in the scenario with the staff member who was offended by me.  Maybe it's my turn to give her one.  Which brings us to perseverance and confidence.  I prefer to see my  habit of ruminating as a way of persevering to solution.  That's how I figure out solutions, by running the issue around in my mind and looking at it from different angles.  So, maybe ruminating is the weakness characteristic that has it's strength in perseverance.  I think I make it work in the end if I come up with a solution and that restores my confidence. 
I didn't feel very confident about the way this situation was going because I can usually fix these things quickly.  I believe that's a gift I've been lucky enough to have been given.  It cost me some peace this weekend but I think I've finally realized that by allowing my confidence to falter, I've been able to look at someone else's view of my words and actions.  Letting go of confidence allowed me to see that to someone else, who doesn't really know me, I might have come off as critical or undermining.  I could have never seen that if I didn't give up some surety about myself.  Knowing I can look at myself critically and see that I may have been perceived differently that I intended, has given me the ability to come to the solution that I've been searching for.  I can apologize and not feel that it is an empty apology.  If I'd apologized immediately, I would have offered words with no meaning behind them.  We might have moved on, but it would have been unresolved for me.  Now I can truly offer an apology, with dignity and feel ok about how it all went.  I can feel confident in my behavior and truly move forward.  Sometimes you have to lose your confidence for a while if you want to develop more confidence.

Wishes and Peace

To Wish:  To long for, yearn for, want or desire
Peace: Freedom of the mind from annoyance, disturbance, anxiety or obsession

    Which sounds worse - to be left wishing you did, or wishing you didn't?  Both sound stressful and disappointing to me, yet so often I find myself in that state.  When I think about how I got to be in that condition, I come up with one basic answer...I didn't think something through and I didn't consider the outcome of an action or lack of action.  Maybe that's two basic answers, but who's counting. 
    Let's look at wishing you did something.  Often we won't even raise our hand in a group to ask a question for fear of looking foolish.  Why?  Who is to decide we are foolish anyway?  If your mind wonders about something, or thinks it has the answer, then at least you know something is moving and shaking up there.  It is not foolish to express an idea.  I was at a continuing education course recently and the speaker asked a question.  His question prompted a thought in my brain and I raised my hand and gave him my answer.  For the next five minutes he grilled me, but he didn't examine my answer for validity, he just kept expanding his question into areas that had nothing to do with the original question or answer.  He got into a situation in which he was bombarding me with questions I couldn't answer.  When I said that, he kept hammering until the room was silent and the atmosphere awkward.  Once he finally gave it up, not a hand went up nor a voice was raised to answer many of his following questions.  So, who was the fool?  He put a damper on his own presentation. It was a full day presentation and this happened in the first 30 minutes.  Ouch...for him.  Did I have any other thoughts during the day?  Of course I did, you know me by now.  Did I express them? You bet I did, his problem isn't my problem.  I'm rarely left wishing I'd said more.  I do look back and wish I'd said less every now and then.  It makes me realize that I need to consider the impact of what I say.  When I hurt someone I care about it hurts me, too.  Long after they may say they're over it, I still suffer.  I suffer because I know that it made an imprint on their mind about me.  Just a little wariness that wasn't there before, but a protective little memory of my ability to hurt them.  So I wish I was less sure I was right when I'm wrong.  Even when I'm right, I wish I had a better insight into how to express it in a way that allows someone to discover it for themself rather than feeling beat over the head with it.  I wish I had the grace to accept that they might not agree and just live with it.
    
    How about wishing you didn't do or say something?  It makes me squirm just thinking about it.  Oh, if I could only take back all the misguided statements and actions that I've put out there during my life.  Which ones would I take back?  The ones that caused pain or embarrassment.  The ones that made anyone feel less good about themselves than they did before I opened my mouth.  The ones that caused unnecessary stress, or made someone go home and take it out on anyone else around them.  The things that made me wonder when I'd ever learn from my mistakes or made me feel ashamed.   Most of all, the ones that made people I admire think less of me.
    I often wish I'd helped more or been more patient.  I wish I could sweep aside what's wrong about someone faster and get to what's right about them more quickly. I think that is the key to happiness. 
    I have two great role models that I spend most of my time with, basically if I'm not with one, I'm probably with the other.  They are my boss and my husband.  Both of them accept people as they are and meet them as they are right now.  If they can help them improve they do, but they don't judge.  That's not to say they accept poor performance, but they don't assassinate someone's worth based on their opinions of what's right or wrong with them.  They both have happy hearts and people love them.  I think it's because they make everyone feel accepted and ok,  just as they are.  They don't obsess, they live and let live.  That's why they are peaceful and not left wishing or regretting. 
    So, how can I, and you if you're in the same boat, change from wishing to be peaceful about where we are?  Be positive and determined to look for the good.  Don't wait for it to happen, make it happen over and over again.  It will become part of who we are. 
    We only get one shot at this life (this time at least depending on what you believe).  The end probably gets here faster than we think it does.  When it does, I want my last thoughts to be peaceful memories, not yearning for what I wish I'd been.

A Happy Heart

    So, if you could choose,wouldn't you just love to spend your day around someone with a happy heart?  Don't you think the day would be a whole lot better if you did?  Well then, why aren't there more happy hearted people around?

     I think people become addicted to their sad story.  They identify with problems until they create that as a reality day in and day out. No one wants to create sadness.  Circumstances and the things you get used to and accept as inevitable cause that type of drama.   I've been there before myself, I'm sorry to say.  It's a mindlessness that can sap the life out of you and the people around you, and it becomes a habitual way of thinking and responding.  I've spent more time than I want to remember working for employers who, were critical, impossible to satisfy, stingy with appreciation and praise, and basically  confidence busters.  Why did I stay?  Maybe I'm one of those people who sees a situation like this as a mountain to climb and just won't give up despite the fact that there's someone at the top rolling boulders down into my path.  Maybe it seemed like praise from that person would be so much more meaningful because it would be so hard-earned. I know I often felt like if I could only do something great, everything would be ok.  At any rate, I developed a cynical and suspicious mind-set that made me identify everything any other boss did with what that boss would have done.  It was totally unfair to a good boss and it completely prevented me from finding happiness in my workday.  Obviously, something had to change. 

    I sure didn't have a happy heart, so that's where I decided to start.  It's all about mastering your thoughts and reactions.  It's easy to let your thoughts follow a lazy path of their own design.  That's because unconscious thought is effortless.  It's not going to take the time to question itself, it's going to go on the path of least resistance, the path it's worn a track in because of so much similar thinking in the past.  If you like how you've felt along, go right ahead, but be warned, you might be missing out on something even better.  If you have had some hard times, develop the determination to blaze new trails to happier thoughts and experiences.  You have to do the work, and then, just like the negative rut, a new positive, happy rut will get worked into your brain for your thoughts to travel along.

    The other element to negativity and cynicism is the drama that goes along with it.  When people are caught up in drama, they think it makes them interesting.  Now they have something that they think is big and shocking to talk about.  Think about soap operas.  They really aren't that interesting, they're petty and basically out of touch with real life.  But, people keep tuning in day after day for more of the same.  They never get tired of it.  Real life doesn't work that way.  The soap opera of what is happening to you that's so terrible is only interesting to you.  No one wants to tune in every time they talk to you.  You will become a bore if you persist in your " As the Drill Turns" monologue.  Develop a better way to think and you'll become more appealing to be around.

    I have a boss with a very happy heart.  He makes coming to work every day a happy event.  I usually find myself driving to and from work with an idiotic grin on my face everyday because of something funny that happened in the office, often instigated by my boss.  His happiness is contagious.  The whole office has a happy vibe.  The patients love it and comment on it.  I doubt an hour goes by without honest laughter bellowing down the hall.  I say honest because if you think about it, we often tell staff to act happy even if they aren't.  That type of laughter has an edge to it.  Honest laughter flows into every nook and cranny.  It grabs everyone who hears it and makes them smile, too.  People who work like this develop a pleasant rapport with each other and that puts them in a positive frame of mind.  These are the kind of people that other people want to be around, and that includes patients.  Our patients remark on it and I think they have developed a fondness for us.  They often comment to us on my boss and the other staff members and say they just love our attitude.

    I'll be posting the second installment of my If Aristotle Ran General Motors staff meeting this weekend.  It's on Beauty.  Honest laughter brings beauty into the dental experience.  Make sure you develop the culture that supports honest laughter in your office.

You See...I See...

   

It's all about your point of view.  You see yourself as fair, They see you as confusing.  You see them as being utterly ridiculous, They see themselves as thinking out of the box (just like you told them to).  You see me as being a meany, I see you as being childish.  So...what is the great equalizer?  The patient, of course.
    While we're all batting our points of view around, the patient may be waiting, and listening.  And wondering, "Where do I fit into all of that?"  The other day one of our hygienists had a few cancellations due to patients coming down with the flu.  The other, trying to be a nice, team player, moved one of her patients to the other's schedule.  The other hygienist ended up having a difficult prophy to do and was running behind.  The one who now didn't have a patient went to the waiting room to let the patient (that was supposed to be her's) know that it would be a few more minutes.  Then she anxiously walked back to her operatory and sat there with nothing to do while the patient continued to wait.  I shook my head (noticed lots of things rattling around up there), blinked (yes, I was awake even though I was hoping I was dreaming this)  and walked back and asked why the patient was being kept waiting.  I listened to the fairness explanation and then said, "Fair to the patient is what's important.  Bring her back and get going."  The other hygienist would have kept the patient waiting another 20 minutes.  How could we be seeing the same thing so differently?
    When all was said and done, I was fairly forceful in expressing my dissatisfaction with that scenario.  I knew the two staff members probably felt a little misunderstood about it, but I was surprised at how they described the scenario at lunch the next day.  We were out to eat and the front desk assistant was with us.  They brought it up and basically skimmed over the fact that the patient was kept waiting and flashed forward to "Linda was really angry."  Now, I didn't see myself as angry, per se, more like astonished that after working on perfecting patient service that anyone would think it was ok to keep someone waiting. 
    I could have reacted with annoyance, but I realized some dissection of the obviously not dead issue was necessary.    So, I thought about their intent.  Did they intend to make the patient wait?  Of course not.  They were trying to be good to each other.  They were inside their own heads thinking about how to work well together and not make one look better than the other.  Admirable thing for co-workers to care about each other that way.  The problem with that kind of thinking is that it's one dimensional.  They didn't think about how that would affect the patient, and in turn, how it would whip back around to affect them.  So, they saw two nice hygienists working well together, I saw two hygienists who didn't think it through and get to the bottom line, taking the best care of the patient.  I now also see one office manager who took a long time to consider the fact that at least they care about working well together and that's the positive in all of this.  Finally, knowing that, we can share a way to do it better next time.
    There are so many chances for I see, You see in a small community that is a dental practice.  I see you give her something, You see me acting envious.  I see her kissing up, You see her being friendly.  I see them gossiping, They see themselves chatting.  Flip it.  What's it all mean?  Where are those thoughts coming from?  Ask.  You may be surprised.  But, ask and be willing to listen and try to understand.  Otherwise, next time they'll just shrug and walk away, they won't trust you anymore.  Listen, try to understand, and try to come to a solution that works.  I see that you feel________, tell me about it.  I see it this way_______________.  I understand what you're saying, do you understand how I see it?   How can we make this work? 
    The key is in developing a common point of view on everything that affects patient care.  Otherwise, you can spend all day talking around thoughts and feelings while your patients grow discouraged and disappointed until finally they disappear.  Then, you'll be able to agree on, "I see the unemployment office."  "Oh yes, I see it, too."  "Why didn't we see it all more clearly when we still had the chance?"

Persist

I had a surprisingly unpleasant exchange on the Hygienetown forum recently.  Surprising because I'd always had good and pleasant responses on that forum in the past.  Unpleasant because of the in your face nastiness.  A hygienist had posted a story complaining about how some assistants in her office were acting.  Some of the responders replied that assistants should clean hygienists rooms if they weren't working on something important.  Another suggested a good smack in the back of the head.  Of course she added just kidding with a smiley face afterward, but let's face it, there's usually a bit of truth in those statements.  When I objected I was basically told to shut up and get lost, not quite in those words, but the message was clear.
You might think this is just silly, and who cares what happens on an online forum.  I think it's a little like peeking into a girl's night out.  Is this really how it is?  Is this the way we want our staff members to think about each other?  I think that having the ability to think about other team members in such a negative way is a threat to the health of the team.  Lest you think I'm picking on hygienists, I'm not.  There are plenty of assistants and front desk employees who indulge in this nonsense, too.  Even dentists themselves can fall prey to believing in stereotypes.
It's all a waste of time and a distraction.  We really need to look at the person, not the title.  I truly believe people strive to do the best they can.  The limiting factor is that they are only working with what they know at that point.  No one wants to fail or be disliked.  Sometimes people just don't know how to do better.  Sometimes I don't.  There are times that I'm astonished to find myself in the same uncomfortable situation yet again.  Sometimes people find themselves repeating defeating behaviors over and over, all the while promising themselves never to do that very thing again.
Maybe the answer is persistence.  Persist in loving that person no matter what they do.  Persist in modeling positive attitudes and behaviors.  Persist in turning the other cheek.  Open dialogue and listen.  What is really behind the attitude?  I have done it in the past and it's not easy.  The result was worth it though.  It feels great to work through a very difficult situation to resolution.
When you keep trying to make positive changes you at least assure yourself of one thing.  You're not being negative and that's a big thing.  The da vs rdh scenario is a bad habit that needs to be broken.  We've done that in our office.  How about you?  What's your story?

He Likes Everyone

    Isn't it amazing how one person's attitude can influence everyone around him?  Since either a good or bad attitude has the same ability to influence, we should all try to make sure we bring a good one with us wherever we go.  Yesterday was our first day back to work since we began our Christmas vacation on the 23rd.  As expected, it was a little (very) hectic.  The "I've been waiting to call you when you got back, I can't wait another day" phone calls started at 8 and continued through the day.
    I saw one name pop up on the schedule and thought, "Oh no, not today."  Some people just seem to be more difficult than others.  This patient was scheduled at a very busy time and I was not in the room when Dr. Morgan went in to check on her.  I was relieved when I heard the words, "You're healing fine, it will just take a little longer."  I figured he'd be letting her go any minute.  A few minutes later I heard her apologize for being such a problem.  Then I heard him say, in the most sincere tone, "You're never a problem, I never think of you that way."  And he meant it, he actually sounded confused by her statement.  As I walked by the room I saw him standing with her looking at pictures she was showing him and you could see how happy it made her that he was taking the time to do that.  Now, he was taking the time when we were about 20 minutes behind schedule.  He was not thinking about being behind, he was thinking about the person he was with at that moment.  As he left, he told her he was sorry she had received bad news.  It so happened that her sister had died on Christmas Eve.  The pictures she was showing him were of she and her sister throughout the years.  When she pulled those pictures out to show me, I looked at them and her with kinder eyes than I would have if I'd not seen the care that my boss had shown minutes earlier. 
    Seeing how he treated her made me feel differently toward her.  He modeled compassion, but he also demonstrated something else.  It really is possible to look past a person's veneer.  Some people wear their most annoying behaviors as an overcoat.  It's what's underneath all of it that we have to try to get to.  I saw him look through the things that usually caused me to think of  her as difficult, almost as if he refused to be distracted by something so petty, and get to the real person that lies within all of us.  He knows it's there and he's willing to invest in each person to get to it.  That's why he likes everyone and I suspect it's one of the main reasons that he's so happy all the time.  Not a bad thing for all of us to aim for.  You never know who might be watching and learning something.

Really Big People

Really big people are, above everything else, courteous, considerate and generous - not just to some people in some circumstances - but to everyone all the time.
Thomas J. Watson

    Are you a really big person?  Squirm, squirm, squirm.  That's me, thinking of some of the times I haven't been so big.  You, too?  Oh, glad it's not just me!  I'm thinking of times that I've been snappish.  One of our staff members always goes into way to much detail answering a simple question.  I know it, and I expect it when I ask her something.  Usually I'm really big about it and can be patient.  Except...when I'm really busy and I just need a yes or no, darn it!  That's when I'm not so big and I snap at her.  The look on her face tells me that I've hurt her and I that's when I feel pretty small.  In the end, it hurts me as much as it hurts her.  That's what Mr. Watson means in the quote when he says, "...all the time." 

    It's hard to be really big all the time.  We're all just human, but that's really just an excuse, if you want to be a really big person, you have to commit to being corteous, considerate and generous to everyone, all the time.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.  That patient who just wants to keep talking even though you're 10 minutes behind for your next patient?  Be courteous, enlist other staff to help save the situation.  Grab someone who is available and ask them to help get your room set-up for the next patient.  That gives the talker a chance to realize that she is holding you up and when she apologizes you can tell her you wish you could hear the rest of the story.  That evening drop a note in the mail telling her how much you enjoyed chatting with her.  Make her next appointment 10 minutes longer knowing that you'll need it.  

    How about the curmudgeon that makes you wonder what ever happened to make him so miserable.  Can you be big with him?  When you see his name on the schedule do you regale the team with examples of just how horrible he's been in the past, or do you commit to making today different?  You never know what's going on behind that frown.  Even if he never  cracks a smile, your compassionate, courteous treatment might be the thing that helps him make it through another day.  It's worth the effort when you think of it that way, isn't it?

    We've all had to deal with the scaredy cat.  They're usually drama queens to boot.  Do you do what you can to alleviate their anxiety?  C'mon, you have to go beyond the lukewarm pat on the arm.  Think!  How about some music with headphones so they don't have to listen to the whine of the handpiece, a warm neckroll that says, "I care."  Explain the procedure as much as they want you to and let them know that you'll take breaks if they need them.  Stop thinking of how annoying their behavior is and start thinking about how frightened they must be to act that way.  We're all just people trying to get through the day, right?

    It's easy to be nice to the nice.  Don't stop, we all need the warm, fuzzy feedback we get from them.  They're a slam dunk.  But, if you want to be really big, give your best to the difficult, annoying, grouchy, unhappy and distant among us.  Those are the ones that test your stuff.  Those are the ones that let you know how big you really are. 

Work - An Act Of Grace

"You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play."

                                                                          ~Warren Beatty~

Yes, work can be fun.  It's all in how you look at it.  If you're always in crisis, you'll be miserable.  If you look a problems as challenges that test your mettle, you'll always have a chance to shine. 

"The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it."                                                              

                                                                         ~Pearl Buck~

The Amish always put a small mistaken stitch in every quilt they make because of their belief that only God is perfect.  I never strive for perfection, but I do strive for excellence every day.

"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

                                                                         ~James M. Barrie~

It's a pity to watch someone toil away in a career that is wrong for them.  We owe it to ourselves, and to those we will work with, to find what we love to do.  Otherwise, we limit ourselves to mediocrity because we will never be as good at something we have to do, as we could be at something we love.

"In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it. And they must have a sense of success in it."

                                                                        ~John Ruskin~

To find the right fit, to find the right balance and to receive recognition in good measure is to be happy at work.  Any two of these without the third will not have the same result.

"Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it."

                                                                        ~Henry David Thoreau~

If you work only for the money, that will be your only reward.  If you do work you love, you still get the money, but you get to enjoy the day, too.

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."

                                                                        ~Anne Lamott~

Hope can get us through terrible situations.  Call it persistence, perseverance, stubbornness, or just plain foolishness.  If you work hard, work right and keep at it, eventually you'll find your reward.  You'll become so good at what you do that new opportunities will grow from that alone.

"I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard."

                                                                        ~Oprah Winfrey"

Ok, now I'll get to how I feel about work.  I"ve been very fortunate to have work that I love.  At this point in my career, I've been lucky enough to have been teamed up with a boss who I enjoy working with tremendously and whose work and character I have the utmost respect for.  I've got it pretty good, don't I?  Well, you can, too. It didn't just happen to me, I worked hard for it and still do.  Not every day is perfect, but every day has the capability to be excellent.  That's because I've recognized the fact that it's all up to me.  I can look at problems as challenges and overcome them.  I can see a grouchy patient or I can see a patient who is waiting to be wowed.  I can see a staff member quitting and leaving us short-handed, or I can see the door opening to greet a great new team member.  I can see caring for patients as a subservient task or I can see it as the privilege that it is.  Because when your work involves the care of a fellow human being, you are really getting to do something special.  Understanding that makes work an act of grace.

Work - Ethic?

Yesterday I printed out a dozen quotes about work.  Did you notice that the first five were a little cynical?  I've been starting to feel that way myself lately.  It seems that we are faced with a new mentality in some  workers who want the boss or manager to worry about making them happy.  It used to be the other way around.  So what happened?  Maybe, everyone needs to realize that when it's right, it's a two way street and a win-win-win proposition.  The employee wins, the practice wins and the patient wins.  That's how you know it's working.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
                                                                          
                                                                            ~Thomas A. Edison~

People seem to view opportunity as something owed to them, not something earned after proving themselves capable of dealing with it and making the most of it.  They don't see hard work as something rewarded by increasing opportunities, rather, they see opportunities as perks to be expected for them to even be interested in working at all.  A smart manager will see this as the weakness that it is and recognize the employee who looks for the opportunity to serve and recognize and reward that person, thereby encouraging more of the same,  Do you make service seem like an opportunity in your practice?

  

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

                                                                            ~Robert Frost~

The interesting thing about this is that the person who is willing to work will often be the target of derision by those willing to let them.  If you've ever been in a situation like this, you've probably noticed that the slackers will invest great effort in figuring out ways to discourage the hard worker.  After all, that person makes them look bad and the boss just may start expecting everyone to work as hard as they do.  How can we help our hard workers and how can we interest our less inclined staff members to follow their example?

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

                                                                            ~Robert Frost~

Why do so many intelligent people seem to need so much guidance?  I have to think that they've been in a situation where thinking for themselves was discouraged and problem solving wasn't rewarded.  Or maybe it's just easier to let someone else do the thinking and take the risks.  What can managers do to encourage team members to be innovators and problem solvers?

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."

                                                                            ~Sam Ewing~

People are telling you something about themselves by the way they work.  Are you listening?  You can have a nice employee.  You can have a hard working employee.  What you want is a nice person who works hard.  Don't settle for less and you'll have nothing to regret.

"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good…Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."

                                                                            ~Jay Leno~

People have somehow gotten the idea that other people are responsible for supplying them with self-esteem.  There are seminars for managers telling them how to talk to staff members about poor performance without affecting their self-esteem.  The best way to increase self-esteem for yourself at work is to do a great job.  Give your manager something to appreciate and comment on.  Managers, look for what's right as much as you identify problems.  True self-esteem can't be dependent on the reactions of others.  

Next, I'll take a look at some of the more positive work quotes on the list of 12.  Stay tuned and feel free to add your comments.

Work

I want to really take a good look at work.  Why do people work so differently?  What makes the difference?  Why do people work at all?  Is it just to get money live, or is it to, in some way, add enjoyment and satisfaction to life?  I know how I feel about working and how I want to go about it.  Over the next few days I'll try to take on these quotes and add my thoughts about them.  Feel free to join in.

"Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."
                                                                          
                                                                            ~Thomas A. Edison~"

  

The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

                                                                            ~Robert Frost~

"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."

                                                                            ~Robert Frost~

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."

                                                                            ~Sam Ewing~

"I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good…Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder."

                                                                            ~Jay Leno~

"You've achieved success in your field when you don't know whether what you're doing is work or play."

                                                                          ~Warren Beatty~

"The secret of joy in work is contained in one word - excellence. To know how to do something well is to enjoy it."                                                              

                                                                         ~Pearl Buck~

"Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.

                                                                         ~James M. Barrie~

"In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it. And they must have a sense of success in it."

                                                                        ~John Ruskin~

"Do not hire a man who does your work for money, but him who does it for love of it."

                                                                        ~Henry David Thoreau~

"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don't give up."

                                                                        ~Anne Lamott~

"I've come to believe that each of us has a personal calling that's as unique as a fingerprint - and that the best way to succeed is to discover what you love and then find a way to offer it to others in the form of service, working hard."

                                                                        ~Oprah Winfrey"

Can't We All Just Learn To Laugh A Little?

"Shared laughter creates a bond of friendships. When people laugh together, they cease to be young and old, teacher and pupils, worker and boss. They become a single group of human beings." ~W.Lee Grant

    Do professionals have to take themselves dead seriously to be professional?  Will patients feel like we know what we're doing if we laugh a little and look like we're enjoying ourselves?  I think they'll think it's great.  I went to a doctor's appointment the other day.  I walked into the foyer where the receptionist sat behind a glass window.  I saw her notice me, but she continued typing on her computer.  After what felt like 10 minutes she finally acknowledged me, sort of, by opening the window and thrusting a sign-in sheet at me.  After I signed it she snatched it back and slid the window closed.  I assumed I was supposed to go sit in the waiting room.  How hard would it have been for her to smile and say hello?  It might even make her feel better about her job.  Couldn't hurt because it doesn't seem like she enjoys it.  I have to wonder how she ended up in that position to begin with.
    Once I got into the exam room the doctor came in and was very personable and friendly.  We always end up laughing about something, and I always wonder how he stands working with her every day.  Laughter is the great equalizer.  Think about happens when you can help a nervous patient smile of laugh.  A feeling of friendship begins and they start to forget that they're supposed to be afraid.  Morning huddles are a great place to inject a little laughter into the day.  It starts everyone off in a good mood and that can be contagious.  Patients love to see smiling staff members coming out to invite them back for their care. 
    A boss or manager who knows how to laugh and cut the tension can role model that behavior for the team.  I once worked with a clinically excellent dentist who had a hard time finding the humor in anything.  Laughter almost seemed to irritate him.  His intelligence didn't extend to an  understanding of human nature.  Happy employees exude that feeling.  Nothing invites success like happiness.  A smile makes a person seem confident and people trust and want to be around confident people.  My former boss had great hands, but the lack of a willingness to lighten up, cost him a degree of pleasure that a perfect crown prep could never compensate.  My current boss personifies happiness and joy.  He loves people and they love him right back.  He's irrepressible, sometimes incorrigible, slightly irreverent and always delightful. 
    Who do you think is enjoying life more?  The smiles tell the story, for them and the people around them. 

Your Venting Place

     Office managers and dentists, this is for you.  How can you keep yourself feeling thankful for being in, what quite often feels like, a thankless job?  Let's face it, if you're doing it right, the buck stops here.  The ultimate responsibility for everything and everyone lands on your shoulders.  And does anyone appreciate it?  Sometimes it doesn't feel like it, does it?  Can you tell I've had one of those weeks?  Heck, I'm only human and sometimes I need a place to vent, or rant, whatever you want to call it. 

     Let me make this clear, I love my job, I think my boss it great, I admire my staff and am committed to our patients.  Overall, I see it as an honor to be asked to do this.  But....sometimes it's a pain in the tush.  Grumpy patients, staff that seems to need hand-holding, schedules that self-destruct, decisions to be made, complaining and blaming to be absorbed, mediating to be done, not enough time in the day and late hours are all a part of the pressure that builds.  Add to that the fact that very often we're the coach, cheerleader and water boy and you could really get yourself into a snit.  It never ends, or so it seems.

     But...think about the trust everyone places in you.  The dentist trusts you to run his practice.  The patients know you'll make sure they're taken care of.  The staff counts on you to guide them.  They all believe in you. Think about how great it feels when a patient says that your practice is special or when a staff member thanks you for your help and patience.  When your boss thanks you for all you do, you forget about all the negatives.   That's a pretty good swap.  So, you're only human, even though you may feel like you need special powers, you're all you've got to work with.  Being a manager can be a little isolating, too. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone else who knows what it's like. 

     So, this is your ranting place.  Come here a tell us when you've had a bad day and we can brainstorm a solution, or at least commisserate.  Just click on comment and you'll have my ear and anyone else's who has some advice or tea and sympathy.  All in all, we love what we do, but sometimes we just need a place to vent.

Coping With a Practice Transition

    I'm on vacation at the beach, but I thought I'd share an article that I wrote that's been published online at Dental Assisting Digest, titled Coping With A Practice Transition.  As you may know, my former boss, Jeff Price sold the practice to my new boss, Dr. Nigel Morgan.  As far as transitions go, this one has been pretty easy and I think that's a testament to the character of these two dentists. Oh well, vacation's calling. 

What A Waste Of Time!

  

"This time, like all times, is a very good one, if we but know what to do with it."
                                                                                           ~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

I was talking to my daughter today and she said that wasting time drives her crazy.  She said that she tries never to let anything at work really get to her because complaining is just a waste of time.  Then she said that she hates arguing with her husband because instead of wasting time arguing, they could be having a good time.  She's pretty smart.
    When I started thinking about it, we often spend a lot of our day wasting time.  Complaining is a big time waster.  It solves nothing, often only feels satisfying in the moment and often ends up in guilt or regret later.  Gossiping is another huge waste of time.  Any negative activity wastes time.  Any behavior or activity that isn't positive or productive probably wastes time.
    Spending a lot of time in indecision is a waste.  Usually people procrastinate about a decision because they don't trust either their judgment or knowledge.  If you find yourself in this position either research the issue or ask for help, but do something.  Don't be paralyzed by indecision.
    As a manager, think about how you deal with disgruntled patients.  If you spend any time arguing with them, you're wasting time.  Finding solutions uses time wisely.  When you avoid dealing with an employee who is not performing well, you're wasting a lot of time.  Approaching her in a way that lets her know you believe in her and want to help her improve is a better use of time.
    How many ways do you or the people around you waste time?  What will you do differently now that you've realized it.  Think about it, rather than complaining, you could be solving, rather than gossiping, you could be complimenting, rather than criticizing, you could be inspiring.  Click on comment and tell us what you think.

The Hardest Thing

    It's easy to be nice to the nice.  A sweet patient is a delight.  A pleasant co-worker is like a gift from heaven.  Everyone wants to be around them and that just reinforces their niceness and the positive response they get.  But, what about the curmudgeons, the surly, the shy, the nervous or the just plain grumpy?  Who's going to love them?
    It requires more from us to be nice to the complainer, the criticizer, the whiner, or the person who's hard to talk to.  We have to try harder to have a relationship with them or to get through an hour with them.  If we wrap our arms around our own compassion, insight, desire to help, or generosity of spirit and hold it tightly to us, we will always have to "put up" with these people, rather than developing a relationship with them.  If you tell yourself, "It's their own fault" and grimly go through your encounter with them with your teeth gritted, you lose as much as they do.  If you plan on telling your story of woe at lunch rather than sharing insights you've gained into this patient, everyone misses an opportunity to be better. 
    The first thing to realize is that initially, you'll have to meet them more than halfway.  Some may seem so insulated that you wonder if you have the right to try to penetrate their bubble.  Maybe you don't, but that shouldn't stop you from being kind and compassionate.  You never know what's getting through, and you may be making a difference that makes all the difference in a lonely life or in someone's recovery from grief or endurance of pain.  That's the point, we don't know what's behind their demeanor, we can only respond.  I once asked a patient if he was very apprehensive, because he always seemed tense when he was in the office.  He looked shocked at the question and I thought I'd made a mistake in asking.  He said, "I deal with severe depression every day of my life.  It's all I can do to get up and do anything.  It has nothing to do with anyone else."  I was glad that I asked and from that day on I make an extra effort to be nice and kind to him.  He knows I know and I feel the weight of that confidence. 
    We all have patients that make the staff groan and even do a pretty dramatic death scene when they see them on the schedule.  Even the doctor may droop at the thought of an hour in their mouth.  They are invariably hard to work on and seem ungrateful for what is being done.  You can't control the way they are, but you can decide to bring all you've got to the challenge.  Even if they never show you that it means something to them, they may tell others.  Even if they don't tell others, you have the personal satisfaction of knowing you did your best for them in every way.  The team sees that, too.  Anyone can be nice to the nice and love the lovable.   The hardest thing is being kind and loving to the curmudgeon.  Doing the hardest thing is a true sign of character.  It's something I expect from in myself and encourage in our staff.  It's what makes a team exceptional.

Emerging Personalities

    Human nature is interesting.  We all present our best self whenever we're meeting someone new or when we're in a situation in which we know that the other person's opinion of us will affect what we want.  Think about a job interview.  How many times have you hired a person who seemed to be just what you were looking for, only to wonder where she went and who showed up in her place on the first day of work.  I'm always amazed when that happens.  It seems like a lot of work for someone to fake being what they obviously know an employer would be looking for, only to drop the act once they've gotten the job.  Then everyone has to go through the pain and aggravation of a new person who isn't going to work out.
    When I think about an emerging personality, I'm talking about the types of things people do that either hurt or aggravate others.  Managers tend to see these behaviors and then wonder what, if anything to do about them.  For instance, everyone has worked with someone who seems to work hard and be a real go-getter...in front of the boss.  Left unchecked, this person can cause resentment among the staff that is picking up her slack.  She's often one of the more pleasant personalities in the office.  Why wouldn't she be, she's getting a lot of credit for a little work.  She'll also make a big deal of lending a hand...when the boss is watching.  Otherwise, she can be counted on to be off in the restroom touching up her makeup or staring at the computer screen as if she's making a concerted effort to find patients to fill holes in hygiene when in reality, she's looking up recipes on Food Network. 
    Another personality that we'd all like to see restrained is the person who blesses your heart while she stabs you in the back.  It's incredible to watch this person.  She can poor on the compliments and as soon as the person is out of earshot her true feelings emerge.  Why bother with all the sugar if your going to top it with vinegar? 
    There are beneficial emerging personalities.  The receptionist who can flash a smile even though she's feeling miserable or dealing with stress at home is highly desirable.  The dentist who can disguise his frustration with being over-scheduled and focus on his patients needs has a special talent.  A staff member who can push back her frustration with a co-worker and look for the good is mature and will always be in demand.
    We all have emerging personalities and we know it.  We know when we unleash them, too.  When you manage to pull uncommon compassion and understanding for others out of your heart, you know you've done something special.  Keep pulling that out, it makes you and others happy.  Sit on the negative personality traits that struggle to emerge.  You know you're going to do it, make the right choice and get through to the other side without setting that free.  It's all about self-discipline and, as usual, choices, all of which are under our control.  I think managers have a responsibility to address negative emerging personalities.  The culture of the practice depends on it.   Each person and their emerging personality is individual and your approach should be, also.  If you can help a staff member recognize the damage  they do to their relationships with the rest of the staff and help them make corrections, you may  change the course of their career experiences for many years.  If you approach the situation with care rather than anger, you can earn respect and influence. Draw out the  good traits and help them learn to control bad impulses and everyone succeeds and benefits.

Become A Peace Addict

    Have you ever noticed how much drama there can be in dental offices?  It seems that everyone wants to blame it on the fact that there are so many women working together.  That may have some truth to it, but I think it's really a learned behavior.  I've also heard that it's because there's all those women and one guy.  I don't buy that because there are a lot more female dentists now and I've seen them have some pretty tense situations with staff, too.
    I think people get used to trouble and it begins to feel normal.  They get addicted to drama.  My grandmother was like that.  She lived in an apartment building in Brooklyn, NY.  When she was younger, everyone knew everyone else, and knew their business, too.  With everyone living so close to each other, it was hard not to.  So, there was a lot of gossip and arguments.  They didn't seem to feel right if they weren't going over the details of someone else's life.  In other words, they were in it for the drama.  Maybe it made them feel more alive, maybe it was unavoidable, given the proximity.  As she got older, we realized that even though she didn't know as many of her neighbors, she still ferreted out drama on a regular basis.  My mother was knocking on doors every so often trying to find out why these neighbors were bothering such an old woman.  The eye-opener was this; the neighbors liked my grandmother and felt bad that she was often so agitated.  One even visited with her child after my grandmother complained about the noise the child made.  They tried to make peace, but she was having none of it.  She was a drama addict.  She got an excitement high from it.
    Can you see how this sometimes happens in dental offices?  People get into routines and get bored.  They look around to find someone who seems to feel like they do.  Judy looks a little frustrated so Mary starts poking around her psyche until she hits paydirt.  Judy isn't so crazy about Ann.  Well, of course Mary can sympathize and off we go.  This is getting exciting and we're so bored, we deserve a little excitement.  Then Ann finds out and complains to Sarah and things are really stirring up now.  Get the picture.  Why stay in a rut when you can have so much to talk about? 
    The problem occurs when things get messy.  An explosion is inevitable in this scenario and explosions are always a mess.  There will be tears and long heaving sighs.  People won't be talking to each other, but they'll brightly try to act like they're fine, even as they shoot a nasty look at whoever they feel has wronged them.  If you think the patients don't feel this, you're kidding yourself.  Now the hapless dentist or office manager has to step in and break it up.  They'll be more tears and professions of friendship and sorrow, until the next time and it will start all over again.  Sound familiar?
    It will become very familiar until you do something different.  Sit that group of people down and tell them you are going to have a team and if they want to be part of it, they'll have to do one thing.  They'll have to quit the drama cold turkey and become peace addicts.  Sure, they'll fall off the wagon now and then.  You have to remind them that they're peace addicts and how wonderful life is when they stick with it.  It makes a big difference.  I know from experience.  Our team is a group of people that decided to become peace addicts.  We get a true high from living that way.  We are free from worry about being gossiped about or being caught gossiping.  We are secure in the knowledge that everyone else has our back.  We like each other.  Now, don't you want a hit of that.  Once you do, be warned, you'll be addicted.

A Day Of Compassion

"If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, practice compassion."            ~The Dalai Lama~

    What would happen if you set aside a whole day to really focus on treating others and yourself with compassion?  It's always interesting, at any rate, to spend a day behaving consciously.  When you pay attention to your first instincts, you may learn something about yourself.  Sometimes it makes you feel relieved, but other times it can make you cringe.  Consciousness could save the world at large, and individuals a lot of pain and problems. 
    Let's think about the petty aggravations in a typical day.  You wake up and see that your husband didn't start the dishwasher so you're faced with a machine full of stinky, sticky dishes.  Maybe your first thought is that he never does what you ask him to.  Is that really true?  If you allow that thought to remain it will affect the way you greet him when he stumbles out of the bedroom all smiley and happy to see you.  You'll probably greet him with a list of grievances that have all been stirred up just because he forgot to push a button. 
    One of my pet peeves at work it that the person who usually arrives after me walks in and doesn't say hello.  I know it's going to happen every day and I let it bother me.  After all, she's being rude, isn't she?  Maybe she just isn't a morning person.  Maybe no one in her family spoke much in the morning, so that's normal for her.  When she finally does greet me about 5 minutes after she arrives, she's pleasant.  I'm the only one who suffered.  If I thought about it compassionately I could have avoided that angst.
    We have a patient who is always a curmudgeon.  Every time.  No one likes to work on him because he's either silent or if he speaks, he's curt and complaining.  I finally remarked on it one day.  I said, "You always seem so unhappy to be here, did you have a bad experience at the dentist when you were younger?"  He looked surprised and then his face relaxed and he said, "I deal with terrible depression every day of my life.  Most days it's all I can do to get out of bed."  He seemed relieved to be able to explain, as if he knew we must be noticing, but couldn't let us know what was behind his demeanor.  Now that I know, it's just a part of him that I accept. I don't dread working on him anymore.  I don't try to make small talk with him because I know it just wears him out.  I don't try to joke him out of it, but I treat him respectfully and with care.  I always did, but my knowing seems to make him more able to accept my treatment of him. I treat him with compassion, not pity and that makes a  difference.
     Acting with compassion helps us to stop expecting everyone to be perfect.  Your boss doesn't compliment you enough?  Maybe he has the worry of the world on his shoulders.  You don't know what goes on in his home, what's happening with his kids, what patient he's worried about.  Your co-worker is slacking off?  Maybe her mother is starting to show the first signs of Alzheimer's.  She may not have even admitted it to herself yet, so how can she explain it to you?  Just do what needs to be done and don't worry about whether anyone will ever notice that she's not doing everything she should.  Make it a gift to show thanks for not having any big problems in your own life.  Stop analyzing everyone else's behavior and coming up with problems.  If you must analyze, do it with compassion.  It will change your, and their lives.
    Spend a day checking your thoughts and conversation for compassion.  It's only one day, if you don't like it, you don't have to keep doing it.  Resist the urge to react hastily.  Give someone the benefit of the doubt.  Say a kind word in response to a hurtful one.  What do you have to lose?  It might just make you and every one around you, happy.

Start Small

    What will you do differently today?  What one thing will you change that will change the way you feel about the day?  It doesn't have to be something big, you can start small.  Maybe you'll be more cheerful when you greet your co-workers.  Maybe you'll just greet your co-workers.  I'm amazed at the number of people who thinks it's ok to walk into work and not say hello.  They like to blame it on not being morning people, like that excuses rudeness.  Huh?  How will you ever be a morning person if you keep telling yourself that?
    Maybe you'll refrain from doing something that usually causes problems for you.  Your boss said something that may be insulting, but you're not quite sure how he meant it?  Assume the best and put it out of your mind.  If he didn't mean anything, he'll move right on.  If he did, he'll probably come and apologize and you can just laugh it off.  After all, you didn't let yourself get all worked up over it.
    There's so much we can do to make each day better and the best part is, it's all free.  It all comes from within ourselves.  It's those choices again.  Just stop for a second and think before you get mad, gossip, or walk past something that needs to get done.  Question yourself when you find negative thoughts creeping in.  Do you have to let them invade your pleasant day?  Nope.  So spend today differently.  Live aware.  Make a positive change and see how it feels.  Just one a day and in a week, that's seven things that are better.  Do it at home, too.  When you walk in at the end of the day, forget about your list of complaints about how your day went.  Your family is waiting for you, not your grousing.  Give your husband a big kiss, hug your kids.  This moment is the only one that your guaranteed.  Make it good.

Do You Want To Be Happy At Work?

    Then why won't you let yourself be just that?  Dental practices run the range from very small, intimate groups of 1 dentist and 3 or 4 staff members to larger dental corporations with multiple dentists and dozens of staff.  Either way, there is plenty of opportunity to be happy or miserable, the choice is always yours.  The thought is always yours to choose.
    Our state of mind and feeling is always what we think it into.  In his book, Learned Optimism, Martin Seligman talks about the 3 distortions of thought.  The first is Permanence.  We tend to think that bad things are here to stay.  We overstate the importance of a problem, issue or embarrassment by thinking we will never get over it or past it.

    The next time there's an upsetting issue at work, think of it like stepping in dog poop.  Sure it's messy, smelly and dismaying, but we know that we can get rid of it.  It's a momentary annoyance that we can do something about. 

    The second is Pervasiveness.  We think that the problem will affect more of our life than it actually will.  I remember a time when my mother was working in the men's cologne department of a large, upscale store.  They were having a promotion that came in a zippered bag.  It was the end of a hectic night and my mom went to get her cash deposit bag to bring it to her supervisor.  The cash was kept in, you guessed it, a zippered bag.  She started to feel frantic as she looked and couldn't find it.  Finally, she came to the horrible realization that she had mistakenly given it to a customer instead of a bag filled with the promotional cologne items that were on special.  I can't imagine how she felt, but I know exactly what she thought, "They will think I'm so stupid and they will never forget this."  She came home devastated and so upset with herself.  She kept asking me how she could have done something so stupid.  I was upset as I watched her mentally torment herself because I knew it was just a mistake and that her supervisor still saw all the value she brought to her job.  I knew that in a few weeks, it would be ok, but she felt, at that moment, that she was somehow permanently and visibly marked by her mistake. 

    Again, the dog poop may be on your shoe, but it's not on all your shoes.  Your not going to track it through the rest of your life.  You're going to take care of it and move on.

    The third is Personalization.  We humans tend to be hurt by everything so quickly.  Someone makes a comment that we don't understand,and our minds seem to turn it over to find the insult that we are sure was intended for us.  We react by being hurt before we're even sure what we're hurt about.  I remember an incident in our practice a few years ago.  My boss's wife had asked us if anyone wanted to renew the Sam's Club membership that we all get through their corporate membership.  The cost is $35.  She always lets us know a few weeks before the money is due.  A day before she needed to send in the payment she told us that tomorrow she would need the money.  One staff member handed her cash.  She said, "You can wait till tomorrow if you'd like, I don't want to take all your cash today."  Seems reasonable and considerate to me.  That's why I was surprised a few minutes later when the staff member said, "Did you hear that?  How rude!  She made it sound like I'm so poor that I only have $35 to my name!"  Such anger and insult over what I took to be a considerate gesture.  So maybe we personalize what we worry that others are thinking about us because we think it of ourselves.  Even so, if this staff member didn't assign permanence, pervasiveness and personalization to that simple conversation, imagine how much better her day would have been. If she didn't drag the rest of the staff into her 3 P's, imagine how much healthier the culture of the practice would have been.  She chose to think that way and then she chose to try to get the rest of us to think that way with her.  Fortunately, we were already beginning to work on the health of our practice culture and she soon saw that our culture could not support her in her 3 P's and she left.

    Once again, the dog didn't poop there just to get you to step in it.  He wasn't even thinking about you when he was doing it. It's just stuff that happens. The dog wasn't out to get you.  Wipe it off and leave it at the curb.

    So, do you see what I mean about choosing our thoughts, and do you see how blindly we make our choices throughout the day?  I just read a good article on Karl Staib's Get Happy Now blog.  I'll be back to write about it soon.

It's Not About YOU!

    Maybe I should say it's not about ME.  I am one of those people who likes to fix things, make things work, and make everyone happy.  That's probably why I was drawn to my job.  I get to do that all the time.  But, what happens when I can't fix things, can't make it work, can't make it all better?  Am I a failure?  What about when the person I'm trying to do those things for reacts negatively?  Does it mean they don't like me, that I've done the wrong thing, or that they're trying to hurt or punish me?  No, not at all.  It may simply mean that they are so wrapped up in their own problems or pain that they can't see anything else.  They may have to direct all their energy to just making it through one more day and I am barely a blip on their radar screen. 
    How should I react?  I think most of us initially feel hurt when someone we're trying to help responds negatively or hurtfully.  So, if we feel hurt, what do we do with that?  If we take it and nurture it, pretty soon we'll be going to that already suffering person and adding a new burden to their pile.  "I was trying to help you and you hurt me."  Chances are, they'll resent the new weight and react negatively again.  Can you see the snowball of pain getting bigger?  Pretty soon you'll need a few people to keep it rolling so you may share your anguish in a confidence to someone else.  You'll get the sympathy you're looking for but the snowball gets bigger from that, too.  Pretty soon the poor person who has the real problem is going to be in the path of that snowball and all that initial caring, helping and fixing that you wanted to do is smashed in it's path.  It may have not been your initial intention, but it may be what you end up with if you don't focus on the outcome you want.  Or, as Steven Covey says, "Begin with the end in mind."
    If you personalize a suffering person's reactions to you, you are merely losing your focus on helping them, and shifting your focus to nursing your own ego and sensibilities.  If you really want to be a supportive friend, co-worker or employee, push all that aside, every time, and be patient and constant in your support.  It's easy to give support when the person in need gratefully accepts it and tells you how wonderful you are.  In that instance, you're nice and caring, but you haven't really stretched yourself.  It's when you hang in there through the storm that you've really shown something of yourself.  You've tested your mettle and shown yourself to be steadfast.  And it shouldn't really matter if the other person ever recognizes it or not.  It's new and important information that you've learned about yourself.  If you're smart, you'll recognize the gift you've been given in that opportunity.

I dedicate this post to a smart new friend who pointed out the fact that the snowball can be tossed away before it gets too big to handle.

A New Story

    We hear about staff members that don't feel appreciated by doctors and managers, managers who feel alone and defeated, and doctors who think that staff and patients just want to complain and cause problems.  Sounds like a desperate stew of human suffering, doesn't it?  Well, stew is the operative word here.  As in, sitting and stewing, or ruminating about what is perceived to be wrong with everything.   If that is the story you're telling yourself, it may be time to write a new story.
    Here's why, thinking about it the way you do now, will not only make you angry and depressed, it will give you more of the same.  Have you ever heard the advice to take a different way to work a few times a week or to do crosswords puzzles to exercise your brain?  That is because doing this creates new neural pathways so that your brain doesn't get stuck in one pattern.  If you keep thinking, "My boss doesn't appreciate me", pretty soon it won't matter what he does.  Your brain has developed a negative neural pathway that your thoughts will run right back to within a short time.  You've told yourself that story so many times, you've actually built a pathway in your brain to accommodate it.

    The good news is, you can build new, positive neural pathways, but you have to work at it.  Have you ever noticed that things seem to get better for a short time, but never seem to stay that way long?  That's your negative pathways drawing your thoughts back into their deeper ruts.  So, when you start to become negative again, whoever is responding to you feels that it doesn't matter what they do, you just can't see it or keep it in your mind for long.  They stop trying and that reinforces your negativity.  If you want to be happy, you have to think yourself happy.  And you have to keep it up.  You have to build some positive pathways for your thoughts to travel along. 

    To build these pathways you have to be present with your thoughts as Eckhardt Tolle says in his new book A New Earth.  When you find your thoughts are beginning to travel down the same track, tell yourself a new story.  What if your boss truly never voices appreciation for what you do?  Does that mean he has absolutely no appreciation for you?  Maybe it has nothing to do with you and he is thrilled to have someone as competent as you around so he doesn't have to think about all the things you handle?  Your story might not be accurate.  You may never know if it is or not.  It doesn't matter.  You can tell yourself your own story.  You know you do a good job and you love what you do.  Aren't you happy that you found a job that let's you do what you love?  Do you really need anyone else to tell you that?  Realize that by giving yourself validation and positive feedback, you are in control of your own happiness.  You are not dependant on anyone else to make you feel good, and your neural pathways are grooving on that and not on the miserable story you've been re-running for ages.
    Creating positive pathways takes some time and effort on your part, but hey, what else do you have to think about?  Replace those thoughts about how bad you've got it with something more productive and see how you start to feel.  It takes time, don't give up.  Keep monitoring the story you are telling yourself and correct negative twists and turns.  Build new habits into your day that will help accommodate positive thinking.  Ellen Weber, who writes the Brain Based Business weblog, has a helpful post that will give you some new things to try. Read 10 Steps To More Mind Power At Work and try to incorporate her suggestions into your day.

    Really think about it and be honest with yourself.  Are you telling yourself over and over how bad you've got it?  Do you keep finding new examples to prove your point?  Are you addicted to thinking this way and to the drama it creates?  Don't despair, you create peace in your mind and life.  Tell yourself a new story about how good life is.  Look for examples to support your new story and that alone will start you focusing on the positive.  Isn't it exciting and empowering to know that you alone are in control of how you are going to feel and think every day?  Take back your thoughts and send your life in a better direction.  What's your new story going to be?

It's A Head Thing

    I woke up this morning and mentally reviewed the schedule and immediately got that sinking, "Oh, no" feeling.  I'm scheduled to assist with our first patient.  He will be prepped for a 5 unit bridge.  That's not the problem.  I thought the problem was the patient.  He's one of those guys that needs a ton of attention.  He's loud, tells bad jokes and make weird comments.  When you look mystified about the weird comments, he acts like you're stupid and tells you to lighten up.  Got the picture?
    Like I said, I thought the problem was the patient.  After a minute, I realized I was wrong.  It's a head thing. My head thing.  The problem is with the way I was thinking.  I was working myself into a great state of dread and, let's admit it, loathing.  By the time the man was seated he would have already committed many  acts of aggravation in my imagination.  I'd have had myself in such a snit that I'd have smiled grimly through my teeth and answered all his annoying comments very dryly.  Where would that have gotten us?  A miserable way to spend a morning.  Especially when there's a better way.
    So, I asked myself something.  Why would anyone act like him?  Maybe they're lonely, insecure.  Maybe he thinks he's brightening my day with his humor.  Just because I don't think he's funny doesn't mean everyone doesn't.  Maybe he talks so loud because he's going deaf.  He probably isn't out to ruin my morning.  I asked myself something else.  Why am I reacting so strongly to someone I'll only have to spend 3 hours with?  There's that head thing again.  It's because I'm taking it too personally.  I'm forgetting that sometimes I have to begin by acting as if.  As if I'm thrilled to spend this time with him.  As if he's very funny.  As if there's no place I'd rather be.  If I can manage that, things will be different.  If nothing else I'll have control over something...myself.  He'll probably calm down when he sees I'm not just putting up with him. 
    It's easy to be nice to the angels.  It's harder to be nice to the patients that drive you nuts.  If you can be nice to them, you've really done something good.  Once you realize it's just a head thing, you have a better chance.
Have a great day!

The Challenge of Change

    "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
                                                                    ~Dr. Seuss~

    It's good to develop the ability to be flexible and adapt to change because inevitably, it will happen.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying sameness for a while.  We all like to rest in the comfort of predictability, of knowing what will happen next, how the day will go, who we will spend it with and what to expect.  At some point however, the future becomes the present and we have to rise up, ready to face the challenge of change.
    The changes that we have the hardest time adapting to are the ones that take us away from the things and people we appreciate or love the most.  We think that the best part is over and nothing can ever again be so good.  We have to raise our head so that we can see the new opportunities and people that await us.  We must give them the opportunity to have the same importance to us that people and circumstances had in our past.  We alone determine whether our future, and the people that will come into it, will have the chance to have a positive impact in our lives.  Our thoughts and reactions will guide the course of our future experiences. 
    If we love something and lose it, we have choices to make.  We can decide that nothing else will ever fulfill us as much as what we had in the past.  That sounds defeating and dismal.  Better, we can look with hope and anticipation toward the future experiences we will have.  We can realize that since we had the capacity for deep appreciation of the past events and the people in our lives, we are capable of great passion for what lies ahead.   
    Our hearts and minds are devoted to what we cherish.  We are understandably sad when we lose what we love, whether it is a job, a child leaving for college, a loved one, a pet, etc.  If we decide that caring deeply hurts too much when we lose, we cheat ourselves from our own future love and happiness.  We must understand that in loving we surrender to the reality that one day we will hurt because of that love.  We must also realize that one day we will again smile at the memory of the love we lost.
    If you are looking at the end of something, I hope this helps you.  Whenever I've had to let a staff member go, for whatever reason, I always hope that I am releasing her to something better for her and opening the door to someone better for us.  Losing a loved one to death is harder to accept.  I think it takes a while, but eventually I can smile because it was better to hurt at the loss of them than never to be able to smile because of having them.  Even though we can see no brightness ahead when we are in the process of losing, it is comforting to remember that a new light is there waiting.  When we dare to raise our heads and look up again, we will see it.

Change

"Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better."

King Whitney Jr.

   

One thing that you can count on is the fact that things will change.  Right now we have the best staff I've ever worked with.  I can count on that changing someday.  Someone will move, have a baby or retire and someone new will take their place.  It may be better, it may be worse, but it will surely be changed.  I am confident that whatever happens, we will persevere and make it work some way or another.  In the meantime I'll enjoy what we have right now. 
    Sometimes we know that something must change to enable progress.  I've worked with people who I loved as people, but who weren't right for our practice.  I feared letting them go because I worried that "the devil I know might be better than the devil I don't know."  I tried to find ways to make it better with them, to make them perform better.  I was confident that I could help them find their way.  What I didn't realize that their way was through the exit door.  It was better for them and better for us.  Sometimes you have to look at the bigger picture further down the road.  Making a change may make room for the better staff member.
    When dentists know that they need to make a change in personnel they worry about so much.  The person's feelings, their financial status, the cost to the practice, the reaction of the staff, unemployment, you name it, they worry about it.  It can be just as costly to keep a staff member who detracts from the practice. 
    Personal change is the hardest to achieve.  You may recognize some habits you've fallen into or some shortcomings in yourself that you'd like to change.  It seems easy enough, doesn't it?  You just stop doing one thing and start doing another.  It's not so easy.  I think behaviors are addictive, just like any other harmful habit we pick up.  We know smoking causes cancer, but we can't put that cigarette down.  Of course, with smoking there's the element of chemical addiction.  Maybe ineffective or destructive behaviors are brain chemical addictions.  It's a pattern of behavior that must be broken and replaced with a better pattern. 
    I'm pretty tenacious.  Sometimes that's good, sometimes, not so good.  It's good when it drives me toward accomplishing a goal.  It's bad when it drives me to continue to question someone or to hang onto a disagreement past it's "I've had enough!" date.  Sometimes it feels like I just can't help myself.  I start to get that feeling that this could erupt, but there's that urge to ask one more question or present my point of view in just a slightly different angle.  Boom.  The inevitable, and often predictable, explosion happens.  Why would I do this?  I'm not stupid, yet I do it more often than I care to admit.  It's because I'm convinced that this time it will work.  Well, it won't.  The only thing that will work is self-control next time I feel that I am on the edge of eruption with someone.  So, personal change begins with recognizing the need for it.  It continues with finding a new behavior that works and making that a habit.

    Some of you may be contemplating changes in the way you practice, your staff or yourself.  Don't be afraid, embrace new challenges.  You'll grow and so will your staff.

The Power Of Caring

    I care.  Just hearing that makes you feel less alone when you are troubled.  It's something to hang onto and it gives you hope.  Ok, that's nice, but what makes caring so powerful?
    Caring let's people know you understand what they are going through.  It's a way of showing compassion of letting them know you see what it happening to them and that it matters to you.  You're in it with them.  That is, if you really care.  Otherwise, you're just an observer, and you may recognize their dilemma or suffering, but if you're not going to get involved, you may be curious, but you don't really care. We've all heard the old saying that you really know who your friends are when things are really bad.  When my mother died, I was surprised to see that I had a lot of acquaintances, and only a few real friends that cared.  The acquaintances cared about the fact that I wasn't fun to be around and that they'd probably have to wait a while until I got back to normal.  My friends knew that normal would be different than it was before because when you lose someone you care about that much, something changes.  They were also ready to embrace whoever I was when I came through my grief because they cared and could face my pain with me.
    A couple of weeks ago I mentioned a newer team member that I wasn't enjoying working with very much.  She had some personality traits that irked me and I found myself avoiding her.  I admit it, I didn't care about her.  I cared only about the way I felt around her and she sensed it.  She finally forced me to notice who she is and how she felt about the whole thing.  I realized that I had seen her as a less important team member and that I didn't really care enough to help her make it.  I also saw that she cared and wanted to do better.  That was the seed that made me start caring about her and accepting her.  Now, those things that used to annoy me, amuse me.  Caring tempered my impatience and turned aggravation into acceptance.  Caring made us both grow and succeed with each other.
    How can caring help you succeed with your patients?  When you care about others, you inspire them to believe in you.  When they believe in you, they also believe that you have their best interests at heart, because in caring, you do.  They believe that the treatment you suggest is necessary and will have a positive outcome and impact on their health.  Caring about them will generate faith in you.  Your caring comforts them.
    In the end, they really don't care about how much you know until they know how much you care.  Why would they?

How Would You Live?

   I was watching Oprah today and the subject was Death and Dying.  I thought it sounded depressing so I almost didn't watch.  That would have been a mistake.  One of the guests was a man named Randy Pausch.  He is on the faculty of Carnegie Mellon, father of 3 young children, and he is dying of pancreatic cancer.  Still sounds depressing, doesn't it?  Well no matter how you look at it, leaving a family you love is sad.  There's more to the story though.  Randy was giving his last lecture and it was a lesson on how to live.
    He talked about his happy childhood and how his parents encouraged him to paint on the walls of his bedroom.  He listed his childhood dreams and he's achieved most of them.  It wasn't easy to achieve some of them and his advice about adversity was this: "Brick walls are there for a reason, they let us prove how badly we want things."  He talked about learning the basics of what you're doing, "Get the fundamentals down or the fancy stuff won't work."  I can't tell you how many times I've been training an assistant who doesn't want to spend time learning how to set-up for a crown prep before she is asked to assist with one.  Then, when an important item is missed and the dentist has to cool his heels waiting for her to retrieve it, she realizes she has to know the mechanics of the procedure as well as how to sit chairside.
     One dream he didn't realize was playing in the NFL.  He said he learned some of his most valuable lessons on the football field though.  One day, after an extremely grueling practice, the assistant coach commented on how hard the head coach had been on Randy.  He said, "That's ok, it means he believes in you.  You have to worry when you're doing badly and no one tells you anymore.  That's when they've given up on you."  I could relate to that.  There are times as a manager when I have to decide whether to keep giving feedback to an employee.  Don't think it's fun for managers to keep telling someone they need to improve.  We don't enjoy being faced with tears, defensiveness or denial anymore them anyone else.  Please remember that the next time you're receiving critical feedback.  Your manager likely sat in her office steeling herself before she stood before you.  His reaction to not acheiving some of his dreams?  "Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you want."
    He told a story about his father that pretty much defines humility.  His dad passed away last year.  He was a World War II veteran.  While going through his things, his mother found the medal of valor his father had been awarded.  In over 50 years of marriage, she never knew about it.  Somehow, it just never came up. 
    On dealing with others he said "Wait long enough and people will surprise and impress you.  You just haven't given them enough time.  Randy knows he doesn't have much more time.  Of course, he's sad about that, but he's using every minute of the time he has left to make a difference.  The only difference between Randy and the rest of us is that he knows for sure he won't be here this time next year.  How would you live if you knew your time was limited?  Guess what , better get started, your time is limited.  What would you change at work?  What you change at home?  What would you change about yourself?  Is your practice the way you want it to be?  Do you like your job?  Do you spend enough time with your family or are you too tired to go to your kid's baseball game?  Do you worry so much about being perfect that you forget how to be you?  Randy's last lecture is on YouTube.    The whole thing is pretty long so you decide if you want to watch it.  I pulled out the parts that impressed me the most here. 

    I hope you get inspired to really live while you have the chance.

What Are You Waiting For?

    Yesterday was a happy day for our family.  It was my daughter's wedding day.  My beloved child married another family's beloved child and we are overjoyed.  Our family and friends came from all over the country for this day.  During the wedding service our priest made the following comment, "Don't wait for love to come to you.  You are love.  Love isn't something that comes or that happens to you.  You love."  It's that simple.  I looked around at the reception at everyone gathered there to celebrate this day and I realized he is right.
    Many times we wait for people to love us or appreciate us.  Then we will love and appreciate them right back.  Or, we decide that our love and appreciation isn't being returned in the way we want.  So, we decide to withdraw it.  When you use love or appreciation as currency or a commodity you aren't really loving or appreciating anyone, because whatever it is you're doing, it has nothing to do with love. 
    When you only treat the co-workers or patients nice who are good to you, you don't cause change.  Stop worrying about you, and give it all you've got.  If nothing else, you've done the right thing.  Our reception went off without a hitch, until the end.  My daughter's car keys had been on a table and we couldn't find them.  The workers at the venue had started to clear the tables and my husband asked the young woman in charge for help.  Her immediate response was defensiveness.  My husband never said that they were responsible for losing the keys, he just asked for help.  She became agitated and did nothing to help us.  It was very upsetting and ten minutes before realizing we couldn't locate the keys, we would have raved about our experience to anyone who asked.  Instead we left with a bad impression and will not recommend it.  Even worse,  things we had been willing to overlook started to seem more disappointing.  The DJ was boring and didn't get the crowd moving and didn't play some of the songs we'd wanted.  You get the picture.  Five minutes of attitude made the difference. 
    If the young woman had reacted with love and caring, everything would have been fine.  I'd be writing about how great we were treated and I'd tell everyone who asked that I recommended the place.  I'll talk more about why her attitude was the way it was soon and how to avoid having a similar situation with your patients.  Tomorrow, when you go to work, you go first.  Extend love and appreciation first.  Don't worry about getting it back, you will.  Because even if no one acts like they care, you will feel good about yourself and know you did the right thing.  Love never fails.

Appearances DO Matter

Sorry, but it's true.  If you want to be seen as a professional, then you must look the part.  You can still make a statement with your personal style, but you can't dress like you're going horseback riding and expect to be taken seriously.
    I am amazed when I go to CE and see staff members dressed in jeans, tight spandex shirts or, worse yet, graphic tees.  Your boss is paying a lot of money to take you to these courses, dress like you're going somewhere serious, not like you're going to a baseball game.  I actually went to a seminar about how to present a more professional image and one girl was laughing that she was wearing her pajama top. She was "too tired to change" and "figured it would be a lot more comfortable when she got bored and fell asleep during the lecture." That's just plain rude.
    Dental assistants, I am asking you to present a professional image when you are representing your practice. You are also representing our profession.  If you want our profession to be taken seriously and and you want to be looked at as health care providers, then step up and dress correctly.  I hate to walk into a seminar aimed at assistants and see a high percentage dressed sloppily.  When you dress professionally, you think and feel more like a professional.  Others listen to you more and take you more seriously.   
    Dentists and managers, set expectations.  We once went to a nice reception for a new dentist in a very nice venue. I was shocked to see our new dental assistant walk in wearing skin tight pants and a crocheted (see through) top chosen to display her various tattoos.  I have nothing against people who have tattoos, two of my children have them, but they were displayed inappropriately at this event.  It was my fault.  I didn't make it clear to her about the attire we considered acceptable when representing our practice.  On her part, she used no discretion and that carried over into other areas of her job. 
    All in all, use good judgement.  Clothes and make-up make a statement.  What are you saying with what you choose to wear?

Desperate For Attention?

    Do you have a drama queen on your staff?  I'll bet if you do, that person immediately came to mind.  Sometimes a little drama is fun.  Some people exaggerate just enough to make everything seem a little bigger than life and a little more fun.  I'll even admit to be guilty of that sometimes.  Let's face it, it's more fun to play up a patient's outrageous behavior, or the surprise on your bosses face when he witnesses that behavior.  It's a different story when a staff member always has to be in an abnormal situation in order to feel normal.

     Sound familiar?  This is the person who always gets bit, always gets thrown up on and always ends up in tears about something.  Even when they're happy, they're way over everyone else's definition of really, really happy.  Someone has always just said something horrible to them, they're usually devastated about something and every single patient has to hear every detail of their love life.  They can be fun...until you just can't stand it anymore.  Then they set your nerves on edge.  They're just too much.

    Ever wonder why?  My theory is that they're desperate for attention.  They're junkies, they just can't get enough of the stuff.  They're not bad people, on the contrary, they're usually very good people.  Perfectionists even.  They're hard on themselves and they need your attention to gauge how they're doing.  It's not easy being an attention addict.  They know they drive people crazy, that just adds fuel to the fire.  It gives them something else to work for, your forgiveness.  That's almost as important as your approval.

    Ok, we're not shrinks, so how do we deal with these people?  Give them what they need, very definitely.  Make a point to say, "Hey, you did a great job."  But, only when they really deserve it.  Call them on it when they don't deserve it, but want it anyway.  They know it's true.  Acknowledge their need and ask them how they like to be appreciated.  Then promise to do that and make them promise to tone it down.  Give them a signal to watch for.  Every time they begin to go over the top, throw out the signal.  They're just people trying to feel good about themselves.  So what if they're a little flamboyant.  If we were all the same, we'd be boring, trust me.  Give a little of what they need and ask for a little in return.  The world will keep spinning, I promise.

Don't Get That All Over Me!

    Ever notice how one person's mood can affect the whole group?  I really have to watch it at work.  If I ever come in feeling a little down or let something get me aggravated, so goes the rest of the team.  It's contagious. 
    If you're the boss or the manager it's a double whammy.  Not only does the rest of the team catch your mood, they may start to obsess about what caused it in the first place.  Before you know it you have a grumpy, distracted group of people who are forgetting who their focus should be on.  The patients can feel it too, don't fool yourself.  I remember a day when something disagreeable had put me in a tense mood.  The next patient was someone who loved to kid around with me and I thought I did a good job of being my usual self with him.  When I got home that evening, I found an e-mail from him asking if he had caused trouble for me or done something to offend me.  I felt like I had let him down.
    If you've ever worked with someone who's extremely nervous you know that it's like a game of tag.  Tag, I'm nervous and now you are too.   They can't keep it to themselves, they've got to share.  Pretty soon everyone's a little on edge and jumpy.  Little problems take on new significance and it wears you out.  When a staff member acts like her head will be on the chopping block because of a bubble in a model, I'm astonished.  I learned long ago that it's not a reflection on my management style.  I used to worry that I was too harsh in correcting or that I seemed impatient.  Now I realize that nervous, panicky behavior has paid off for that person in the past.  So I let the team member know when their personal behavior is becoming detrimental to the rest of the staff.  If they want to stick around, they'll have to change it.  Taking care of patients can be stressful in itself.  The little things that pop up during the day should be handled with a minimum of fuss.  Personal problems and grudges should be left on the other side of the door.  Professionalism demands it.

Oh Yes You Can!

    Think you can't do something?  Think again.  I was talking to the lady who cleans our office today.  Her name is Celia and she's from Mexico.  She's lived here for years and she and her husband have put two sons through school.  She told me she could not come to my daughter's wedding next month because she'll be too busy. 
    Celia is 54 years old and she has gone to college to earn a nursing degree.  She can't come to the wedding because she will have too much studying to do.  It dawned on me then that it is harder for Celia than the average student.  Celia's English is just ok.  She must struggle to understand some of what she is studying. 
    A few years ago, Celia asked me to teach her how to drive.  I innocently agreed.  After a hair-raising hour I finally called it quits.  It was almost being driven into a pond in my own car that did me in.  I told Celia that she needed a professional.  I was not up to the job.  She didn't quit, she found a professional and learned to drive well enough to get her license. 
    Celia isn't letting anything stop her.  She sets goals for herself, overcomes obstacles, and accomplishes what she set out to do.  She gets in there and pushes aside the problems and never doubts that she will end up where she wants to be.  The next time you think something will just be too hard, think about Celia and be inspired.  Have faith in yourself and get started.  Before you know it, you'll be staring success in the face.

The Ride Of Your Life

"Real, constructive mental power lies in the creative thought that shapes your destiny, and your hour-by-hour mental conduct produces power for change in your life. Develop a train of thought on which to ride. The nobility of your life as well as your happiness depends upon the direction in which that train of thought is going."

Laurence J. Peter

    What will this new day bring?  How much control do you have over it?  Here is the answer:  Live consciously, control your actions and reactions, and this new day may be the beginning of a better life, a better job or a better practice for you.  You may figuratively leave the old life, job or practice behind, but you will literally be living differently in the same place. 
    Our destiny is not just something that is the result of what happens to us.  Our destiny is waiting to be created by us.  Every minute of our future is like a block of clay; unformed until we touch it and shape it as we will.  Just as our thoughts and ideas cause our hands to shape clay into either a deformed mess or a beautiful sculpture, our thoughts cause our actions to make the days of our lives a disappointing rut or an exciting adventure. 
    We are not helpless.  Even in the face of tragedy, we have choices.  We even know it at the time, but sometimes we don't have the strength to keep standing.  Even if we collapse, we still have the next choice available that can begin to heal. 
    We are not helpless in our practices or workplaces either.  A dentist has every new day available to begin to build the practice of his dreams.  An assistant or hygienist can decide today is the day she will treat each patient as the unique and important individual that they are, and she can decide to do it again tomorrow.  A receptionist can decide that today she will look at the problem of filling broken appointments and come up with some solutions that will help the practice stay strong.  Together the team can decide that they will put their personal issues aside and make service to their patients their focus. 
    Decide which direction your train will run and then ask your staff to jump on with you.  Today can be the beginning of the ride of your life, or you can stay just as you are. It's the choice that's available to you every day.
   

You Are What You Seem To Be

     "But, I'm such a nice person."  "I'm really a fun person...when I'm not so stressed."  "I'd be just fine if everyone else would be normal."  How many times have you heard someone say things like that or, worse yet, heard those words leave your own mouth?  Let's face it, we'd all be better in a perfect world that was filled with perfect, amiable people.  But, the reality is, we are imperfect beings in an imperfect world.  All we can do is take responsibility for our own actions and attitudes. 
     We've chosen to work in a profession that causes us to interact with, impact, and be affected by many people every day.  We have choices to make every day.  Those choices don't begin when we walk through the front door of our offices.  They begin when we open our eyes in the morning.  If the first thought we have is, "Oh no, it can't be morning."  we're on the wrong track.  Challenge that thought until it becomes usual to wake up and think, "All right!  I've got a brand new day in front of me.  I wonder what great things will happen today."  I know, it sounds geeky.  So what?  You and I are the only ones who'll know you're thinking it.  Now, as you're getting ready, what do you think about?  Do you replay past grievances in your mind till you're ready to walk into work with a chip on your shoulder or do you think about successes and plan for more of the same?  It really makes a physical difference in the way you feel and the way you appear.  Let yourself think of something bad that happened and then look in the mirror.  Not so good, right?  Now think of a time when you really made a patient or co-worker's day.  Look in the mirror.  Yeah, that's better.  I know, I know, it's geeky, but still, nobody cares.
     Arrive at work happy and you know what?  People will respond in kind.  Maybe not immediately.  If you don't usually arrive happy, they may be mystified and watch you walk by with their mouths gaping open.  Keep being happy and pleasant and soon not only will they believe it and treat you nicely, you'll actually feel happy.  That's because you are what you seem to be.  If you walk around being dramatic and depressed, upset and angry, that's what people will see you as and they will respond to that.  They'll respond differently than they will to happy and pleasant you.  So decide what you want to be and like they say at Nike, "Just do it."

Got Respect?

    It's something that everybody wants.  It's something that people say must be earned and sometimes it's the first thing that's yanked away when someone disappoints us.  Respect.   

    "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me."  ~Aretha Franklin~

    What does respect mean to you?  I think it's different for everyone in some way even though it's something that's important to all of us to have.  The dictionary defines respect as a sense of the worth or excellence of a person.  Do we all have worth?  Are we all excellent?  I would have to answer the first question, "Yes."  My answer to the second question would be, "Yes, we all have the potential to be excellent."  As a verb, respect is defined as holding a person in esteem or honor.  Can we do that?  Again, "Yes."

    Am I living in a dream world?  After all, it's easy to write this.  It sounds good and may even make some people think I'm wise and worthy of respect.  But, I believe it.  I believe that if we can find respect in some measure for everyone, we can raise their potential for developing more reasons to hold them in esteem.  Why?  Because I think that people desire respect so much that a taste of it will make them insatiable for more. 

    "Civilization is a method of living, an attitude of equal respect for all men."

~Jane Addams~

    Can we develop a civilized method of respecting all our patients?  Sure we can, it's all in our expectations of them.  If you expect someone to be grouchy because they were the first time you met them, you'll probably greet them differently and they'll feel that.  It will probably at least make them defensive.  Instead, give them the opportunity to present their finer nature.  Smile and look happy to see them.  Extend respect.  Speak respectfully and treat them like they are the most important person in the room.  You know what?  They are, they're your patient. 

    Can we develop a civilized method of respecting all our co-workers?  Again, yes, it's all in our expectations of them.  If you expect a person to shirk their responsibilities you may not bother asking them for help.  Figure out an approach that works. You have as much responsibility for the relationship as they do. Raise them up rather than look down on them.  It does wonders for a person's outlook on life.  Look at each other as essential elements in the life of the practice.  One staff member is no more important than any other because of the title she holds.  H2 without O won't do much for a thirsty man.  A dentist without any one of his staff won't be as effective as with the complete team.  Respect that and the rest will follow.      Someone once said this to me, "I don't earn respect, I command respect."  I found that interesting.  This was a person who had some amount of authority over people, but no influence with them.  I would have hated to tell her that no one respected her attitude and as a result, no one wanted to follow her lead.  So she basically gets nowhere, all by herself.  She thinks she intimidates people, but all she really does is distance them.  She has no respect for those around her and they have difficulty extending respect to  her.  It's an endless loop.  Wouldn't it be better to create an unbroken circle of respect?  So, when you ask yourself the question, "Got Respect?", remember it's one of those things that you have to give to get.

Finer Angels

This is the true joy in life, being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one. Being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as I live it is my privilege - my *privilege* to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I love. I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no brief candle to me; it is a sort of splendid torch which I've got a hold of for the moment and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

George Bernard Shaw
Irish dramatist & socialist  (1856 - 1950)

    I've never thought of life that way before.  What a great way to live, to see your purpose in life as mighty.  We  in the health care profession are lucky to have a purpose that we can see as mighty.  We are privileged every day to be permitted to care for others.  There is trust extended from both the patient and the dentist.  We bring with us the force to take care of another person.  We have the opportunity to leave our worries for ourselves behind for a while. 
    We become a part of a community with a culture of care giving. Our patients know they can depend on us to be concerned for their welfare.  We influence future generations of dentists, hygienists and assistants with the way we treat our patients today.  We have an impact on the frightened child, the grumpy businessman, and the uncertain new co-worker.  We teach them how to treat others.  It's an awesome responsibility and we must call on the finer angels of our nature frequently if we are to make a difference.   

She's Just Not That Into It

    Ever wonder why a staff member just doesn't seem to give as much as you'd like to the practice?  Maybe she's just not that into it.  If you hear things like, "That's not my job."  "I just come here to clean teeth and then I go home."  "Why should we sit through a lunch and learn without getting paid extra?"  "You don't appreciate me, so why should I thank you?", then she's just not that into your practice. 
    Can you get her into it?  Sometimes.  You have to appeal to what's in it for her.  That may sound superficial, but that's what motivates most people.  Finding out what motivates her will help you decide if you want her in your practice.  If she's mainly motivated by money, she may not be for you.  If she is motivated by the satisfaction she receives in hearing you say what she means to the practice, that's another story.  Or she may find working in a patient centered practice makes her want to really give it her all. 
    The first thing to do is to listen to her.  Let her know that you've noticed her apathy.  Ask her what would get her really into your practice.  Sometimes just the fact that you care about it can get her motivated.  Really try to hear what she's telling you.  Hear her words and listen with your eyes to her body language.  If she gets agitated and annoyed, she may realize that her days of doing as little as possible are coming to an end.  If she answers your concerns with accusations and anger, she probably won't come around.  If she states some valid reasons and desires for change, you've got a shot. Sometimes you will find out valuable information about yourself as a leader.  There may be things you are doing that discourage your team from feeling a sense of ownership in your practice.  These one on one talks can be a gold mine of information for you.
    Sometimes the one who's just not that into it can become your most loyal employee.  She may become the one you hear telling the others why it's so great to work for you.  Many times you know in your heart if an employee has a chance.  When you hesitate to address the issue you only delay progress, whatever that will be.  Keeping the lines of communication open with your team members will help ensure that they really are into your practice.

Positive Reaction

    Yesterday I told you I was going to ask our team to each tell something bad and something good about the day before.  Well, they all came up with something bad pretty quickly.  Then, they had to think a little before they came up with something good.  When I asked them about it they said it's easier to remember bad things.  Hmm...we need to change that.  I told them that from now on I'd ask them to tell about something good at the end of every am huddle.  I loved the positive reaction that got.  One of them said, "Well that's great, I'll be paying attention to good things that happen so I won't have to think so hard when you ask me.  Bravo!  That's music to my ears.  It also sends them out to face the day with at least seven positive stories on their mind.  Sometimes the simple ideas have the most impact.

Positive Energy

    I've noticed that many times we tend to focus on what goes wrong rather than what goes right.  Maybe what goes wrong feels like it has more impact on us.  I think that it just seems that way though.  I think we are most affected by what we think about the most.  Our dominant thoughts have power because they are what we are focused on. 
    I am going to try something new at our morning huddle tomorrow.  First I'm going to ask the team to go around the table and tell everyone one thing that went wrong or one bad experience from the day before.  Then I'm going to ask them to tell about something good that happened.
    I want to see what they focus on.  I want to see what comes to mind faster and which they become more passionate about while talking.  I'll let them in on my little experiment by the end of the meeting.  If I had to bet, I'd say that they will have to think harder about something negative to tell about.  I think the positive experience will involve talking about a patient that they especially enjoyed.  From now on we'll end every morning meeting by telling one good thing from the day before.  My purpose in doing this is to send them off on their day with a few positive thoughts and to have them looking for something good to talk about the next morning.  Can't hurt, right?  What do you think would happen if you did this with your staff?  Do you think something like this would get your day started off on the right foot?                              

Use Your Talent To Change For Good

"When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me."  ~Erma Bombeck~

Do you use all the talents and gifts that you have?  Probably not, I don't think I do.  Because if I did, I'd find better ways to behave.  But, I'm trying.  Like I said in my article about gossip, it's a matter of questioning the outcome of your actions.  It's hard to remember to do that sometimes. Remembering to think and act consciously is a talent than many of us leave undeveloped.  I was reading an article on my new favorite website, the Happiness Project this morning.  She mentions two interesting points.  First, we are not usually responsible for the responses that we think we're provoking.  Well, that took a little of the wind out of my self-importance sails.  So many times I'll wonder if I've done something wrong, only to find out that the person who's demeanor I'm wondering about, isn't thinking about me or anything I've done at all.  While it's a relief, I've also had the realization that my thinking was just a touch on the self-centered side.  So I have to call upon my talent for reasoning to talk myself out of those thoughts.

Gretchen goes on to quote Aristotle, one of my favorite really old guys, who said:

"We are what we repeatedly do."

So she cautions us to watch the habits we develop.  We don't always realize that we've developed a habit.  Let's look at complaining.  People complain a lot these days.  When we see someone who doesn't, we often think of them as a Pollyanna or someone who's got a really easy life.  Maybe they've just used their talent of discretion to realize that constant complaining makes you a constant complainer.  Simple, really, you are what you do.  We may think others love to hear our tales of woe.  They look interested. Well, maybe you don't know how they look because you're thinking of yourself, not them.  When they start avoiding conversations with you, if you can call them that, you'll know you've become a complainer to them. 

What habits have you developed that you'd like to change?  What talents do you have that you could tap into to make those changes?  Change is hard, but talent is right there, just waiting to be put to use.

Mind The Gap

     The gap I'm talking about is the one between knowing what you should do and actually doing it.  It doesn't matter if the gap is as wide as the Grand Canyon or a thin as a thread, if it exists, the result is the same.  We've all had times when we know we should do something,and we don't quite understand why we don't just do it.  Managers can sit down with a staff member and clearly spell out what you expect of them or the changes you want them to make.  You can put a lot of time into planning how to explain what you want and present it with compassion and confidence in the employee only to watch them carry on as usual afterward.  Why does this happen?
     I have a theory, I always do, it doesn't mean I'm right though.  I tend to do what I'm told and makes changes in performance very well.  That's not my gap.  The changes I'd like to make are in my thought processes and reactions.  For instance, I have a person in my life who likes to make digs at me and instigate arguments with me. I tend to give them just what they want.  I get defensive and complain and just generally get upset.  Then they can then do their part.  They can act like they had no intention of upsetting me and even end up looking victimized.  Knowing that this person knows that I know what they're doing and that they have once again achieved their goal makes it harder to close that gap for me.  I thought that the other person's actions were the catalyst for my result, but they're not.  What she does gives her the result she earns.  She lessens my regard for her. My reaction is the catalyst for the result that I go home with at the end of the day, frustration with myself for once again reacting in the expected way.  The gap is the change I need to make. The reason for the gap is fear and insecurity. The thing that keeps the gap open is the box that I am in which is wide open and easy to jump out of.  There is another box at the other side of the gap.  That one contains the result of making a change.  That box is closed and it's contents are unknown because I haven't closed the gap to get to it and open it yet. 
     So, my theory is that it's more comfortable to stay in an uncomfortable box than to make a change that will show me what's in the unknown results box.  When you think about that it doesn't make sense, does it?  I know I don't like the situation the way it is, so why should I hold on to it?  It's all a matter of challenging our thoughts and being aware of what we are feeling before we react. It also helps to prepare ahead of time.  Now, when I know I'll be with this person I try to tell myself that I know I'll probably be challenged and that I don't have to play the game.  I can just float through the encounter.  I also try to find compassion for the other person.  I imagine that someone who keeps picking at someone else must have something that bothers them about themself.  Something about me reminds them of what bothers them.  Or maybe I'm completely wrong, but I'm going to try it and see if the gap slams shut for me.  What do you think?

Generosity...Give It Up Already

    I noticed something today about the community of people who write weblogs.  Are you surprised I used the word community?  Well, I have been happy to find out that bloggers form their own  little blogging neighborhoods.  You find someone whose blog you like and you look at their list of blogs that they like and sure enough, you like some of them too.  Then you make a few comments on their articles and maybe they refer to one of your's in their blog and before you know it you've got a new group of bbf's (best blogging friends).  It's not as weird as it sounds to non-bloggers and it's actually kind of fun.  I noticed something else, bloggers are very generous with each other.  They mention blogs they like and encourage their readers to check them out.  Gretchen Rubin writes one of my favorite new blogs, The Happiness Project and I was pleasantly surprised to see she referred to this blog on her's yesterday.  I was wondering why I got so many views.  She tripled my daily page views because all her dedicated readers clicked over here.  You know, I never realized  what a boring blog name Exceptional Dental Practice Management was.  What was I thinking?  I should have called it Oral Fixation or The Mouth of the South or something more interesting.  Oh well, I'm stuck with it now. Of course, it wasn't long ago that I had no idea what a blog was.
    The point is, in the business of blogging no one worries that someone else will get ahead of them or look better than them.  No one is threatened by someone else doing well or getting more attention.  We love it when someone writes a great article and they are just fine with us bouncing our own article off their thoughts.  It's like virtual teamwork.  Why is it sometimes so hard to do this in real life?  Why should we ever see a co-worker as a rival or feel jealous over someone else's accolades?  Why wouldn't we want to be the first one to stand for a friend's ovation?  I think a lot of it has to do with unchallenged reactions to situations.  Sometimes just saying what you're envious of or angry about something out loud takes some of the urgency out of it and makes you see how petty or silly the emotion is. I watched a woman on Oprah the other day who had been shot in the head by a 16 year old.  She had to re-learn how to do everything and is legally blind.  Yet, 2 years later she visited him in prison and forgave him.  12 years later she still visits him and he credits her with changing his life.  Oprah called it forgiveness.  I call it generosity.  Forgiveness depends on generosity.  True forgiveness doesn't wait to be asked, it is generous enough to offer itself up.  A few months ago someone who had done something that had hurt me deeply asked me if I was ever going to forgive him.  I replied, "You never asked me to."  After watching that woman I realized how short-sighted and small that answer was.  The most generous forgiveness happens immediately.  It happens before the wound has a chance to fester, before you build your resentment and live in it. You offer it for both your sakes and for the sake of the relationship.
    Generosity at work means giving because you have something someone else needs.  It doesn't care what's fair or whose responsibility it is.  Generosity doesn't think first, it just jumps right in.  Generosity also takes what others want to give.  It looks at the gift and says, "I like it, thank you."  It doesn't put anyone in their place or hold them down or back.  It doesn't leave anyone out or let anyone down.  What holds us back from letting loose with the best parts of ourselves?  When we can give and realize that we end up with more not less, we will see that we are also being generous with ourselves.  Because one of the best gift we can receive is the esteem of another person.  That true sense of someone feeling lucky that they can call us their friend. 

Start A Happiness Revolution

  Our happiness, or lack of it, affects not only us, but everyone we come into contact with.  Working in a dental practice we have the opportunity, then, to affect a lot of people every day.  I'd like to reprint a portion of John Agno, the career coach's newsletter:

The general consensus of current research is that happiness is
greatest when we combine frequent numbers of good experiences
with a few very intense ones.  To feel happy, our focus needs to be
on the frequency, not the intensity, of positive events in our lives.

Learning how to take pleasure in the littler victories, recognizing their
importance in our lives, and working hard to minimize the negatives
will accomplish more than waiting around for a burst of intense pleasure.

Happiness is being aware not only of the positive events that occur
in your life but also that you yourself are the cause of these events--
that you can create them, that you control their occurrence, and that
you play a major role in the good things that happen to you.  The
sense of mastery over both the good and bad events in your life
contributes to an overall sense of well-being.

--Source: "The Road to Happiness" by John Reich and Ed Diener, Psychology Today, July 1994

From 'Coached to Success,' by John G. Agno,
certified executive & business coach,
Signature, Inc. (734) 426-2000 or
www.CoachedtoSuccess.com
Signature Inc.

    We all know people who say they love to make other people happy.  Maybe you are one of those people, I know I am.  Reading the above makes me realize how presumptuous that thinking is.  It presumes to believe that I can accurately gauge someone else's current state of happiness.  Maybe they're as happy as they're ever going to get.  Who knows?  I do know that try as I might, if someone else doesn't actively desire happiness, I can't do it for them.  What I can do is focus on being happy myself by understanding and appreciating all the opportunities I have to find happiness in the ordinariness of daily life.  That is how you create more happiness for yourself.  Choosing to focus on what's right instead of what's wrong requires a change in awareness, but the enjoyment it creates will encourage you to continue. 
    As managers, we can sometimes take things too seriously.  It's not all life and death, thank goodness, but it can seem like mistakes and problems can become monumental obstacles if we let them.  Managing a dental practice really has two components to it.  One is managing the working of the practice.  Making sure supplies are ordered, equipment is functioning and the staff is complete.  When something goes wrong here it can seem like a disaster, but it's really just an inconvenience, albeit sometimes an expensive inconvenience.  When everything goes right here, it's business as usual and no one really thinks about it.  So, the focus is more intense when something is wrong.  To make sure you set the stage for your own happiness, make sure you are diligent about these areas.
    The other component is leadership. That's the people part. You must work together with the dentist to understand his vision for the practice and together you must communicate that vision to the rest of the staff and then lead them to developing it. Then you must be sure that everyone understands their purpose and what they need to do as part of the team. You  lead the staff to find out just how good they can be.  You are a mirror that reflects all the possibilities and potential you see in them.  To be a good mirror for the staff, you have to be happy with what is in your mirror first.  When things go wrong in the leadership aspect of your job, it is not just an inconvenience, it affects the lives of yourself and the staff, and probably the patients.  When things go right, it does the same, but in a positive way.  Knowing that, you know that to be happy you must focus positively on leading to make things go right.  You must focus on successes and good deeds so that the staff sees that is what is most important. You need to see the goodness in people as they are and tell them about it. You should also champion the possibility of who they can become.  You can deal with the negatives that happen and then let them go, so that they follow your good example.  You not only mirror their potential, but you mirror the actions and attitudes you would like to see them adopt.
    If you go to work on Monday and really look at each staff member as they walk in the door and think about what's right with them, you can start the day off being happy with them.  They will feel it and it will probably affect their attitude for the day.  Give them an unexpected compliment and watch the momentary look of surprise and then the transformation as their face lights up.  Even people who say they don't need or want praise suck in good news about themselves and turn it over and polish it when they need a lift.  We are all praise junkies, just to different degrees.  I've never met anyone who didn't like hearing something good about themselves.  Unfortunately, we are much more likely to comment about what displeases us than what is good.   We are also more likely to focus on the negative we hear about ourselves than the positive.  Knowing that it just makes good business sense to build up our teams positivity than to make negative deposits.  That's how we can make ourselves happier and set a good example for the people we lead.  They in turn may do the same and be happier as a result.  We could just start a Happiness Revolution to compliment Ed Horrell's Kindness Revolution.

A Duty To Be Happy

     I just read an article on a weblog I have recently found called The Happiness Project written by Gretchen Craft Rubin.  You can read the article here.  Gretchen talks about going to her sister's wedding and observing her mother's behavior during the weekend.  Her mother had gone to great lengths with the details and was handling everything very gracefully.  If you remember my post last week about gold star's, Gretchen's article was the one I cited for that.  So, knowing how much she enjoys receiving gold stars, Gretchen tried complimenting her mother often for all her hard work and the wonderful results.  She was curious to see that her mother took it all in stride and wasn't overly taken by the compliments.  Then she had a Aha moment.  When someone is making an effort for you, you have a duty to be happy about what they are doing.  Even if her sister hated the flowers, etc., the correct response would be to appear to be happy. 

     Imagine what would happen if we put this into practice in our dental offices. Scenario:  A co-worker tries to help and sets up the operatory, but does it incorrectly.  Two choices: sigh and say, "Well, thanks for trying, but you did it wrong.  Now I'll have to do it all over."  Woe is me.  Better choice: Smile and say, "Oh wow, thanks so much for trying to help.  This is just about perfect.  I just have to substitue a few things, but just knowing you went out of your way for me makes me feel so good."  Big hug.  Which one works?  Yeah, we all know the right answer.

     Here's another:  Your boss tries to surprise the staff with lunch at what he thinks will be a nice restaurant.  You get there and the menu is limited, the chairs are uncomfortable and the service stinks.  Two more choices:  Everyone together now, sulk and pick at your food, don't forget the eye-rolling and not-so-secret looks. And more sighing. When it's all over mumble a grim thanks and leave.  Better choice: pick something from the menu, tell him how nice it was for him to take you all out, and reminisce about fun things that have happened during the year.  You'll all be so busy enjoying your memories, you'll forget to be miserable.  Again, kind of a no-brainer.

     A friend e-mailed me today.  Her husband has set up a bonus program for his staff.  Oh, they're so happy, he's such a nice guy.  Oh, but wait a minute.  Can anything ever be perfect?  He sees some pro-bono patients during regular hours. " If you're not charging these patients", says his staff, "you are taking away from our bonus.  We could be seeing a paying patient during this time and adding to our bonus.  We think you should count the charity patients work for the production you would have had and add it to our take."  So many problems with this.  Bad, bad attitude.  Better scenario: "Dr. Jim is so wonderful to work with.  Not only does he give us a generous bonus, he helps people who are less fortunate than we."  That thought spurs the action of getting a nice thank you card and the whole staff including that sentiment along with their signatures.  What a wonderful world it could be.

     So, do I agree that we have a duty to be happy when someone has done something for us?  You bet I do and I intend to work on being that way more often.  We are an entitled generation.  Many of us are used to getting what we want soon after the thought occurs that we want it.  I know if I want a new outfit, I can usually go out and get it.  It wasn't always that way for me.  My father was a sanitation worker with 3 kids to support in a 2 bedroom apartment in Brooklyn.  We did without some things, but we never realized it. Because we weren't constantly getting things, we could really appreciate everything we did get.   Becoming used to instant gratification can go hand in hand with instant dissatisfaction when everything's not quite up to our expectations.  I plan to become consciously aware of those feelings and to censor them more carefully.  I hope to develop the ability to push aside dismay when someone presents me with something that they hoped would make me happy and be thrilled with the thought that they cared enough about me to try.  Acting disappointed when someone has done something for me is childish and selfish.  It's gets neither one of us anything positive.  Living well is all about living with awareness of ourselves and others and of the choices we make and the impact of those choices.  The great thing is, there's always another day coming to do even better.  There's another gift to be grateful for.

Perish The Thought

    Our thoughts can take on a life of their own, can't they?  You can be going through your day, pretty much OK, and all of a sudden something sneaks up and grabs your peace of mind by the throat.  You never really saw it coming.  It was waiting in the shadows of your subconscious.  Just lurking there waiting to pounce.  It may be about something that happened hours ago.  Whatever it was may have barely registered on your mental radar at the time, but all of a sudden alarms are buzzing and psychological lights are flashing.
    What happened?  Well, my theory is that while your conscious mind is busy with tasks at hand that demand most of your attention, your subconscious mind is having a keg party.  It's intoxicating your ego with slights derived from barely nothing.  It's turning phrases that seemed innocent at the time and now it's poking you and saying, "Do you think she really meant to say....?"  The more you think about it, the more the possibility grows into a certainty.  Yes, someone almost got away with insulting you or criticizing you.  Thank goodness you realized it before it slipped away forever.  Now, you can do something about it. 
    Hold on there.  Now why would you want to go fishing for trouble?  Why assume that someone would go to the trouble of disguising their insult or criticism so well that it would take hours for you to unearth the craftily disguised slight?  If they really wanted to slam you, wouldn't they want to enjoy your reaction to it?  Why would they let you go off alone to nurture it into realization?
     I have a friend who constantly finds double meanings and deceptions in the most innocent remarks.  If you try to reassure him that you have come in peace and mean no harm, well, that's a sure sign that just the opposite is true.  I have left many an encounter with him reeling from the unexpected manipulation of the meaning of my words and stunned by the obvious distrust that must live deep inside this otherwise reasonable person.  Going back to try to rectify things is like throwing gasoline on a blaze in an attempt to douse it.  It only makes the problem more intense. 
    If you see yourself in this, what can you do?  You sure aren't making anyone's life easier or happier the way it is, including your own.  That kind of attitude in the workplace puts everyone on edge and makes getting through the day like plodding through a land mine.  There's only one thing to do .  Challenge the thoughts.  Look at them dispassionately and see if you think they really make any sense.  Most of the time, you'll start to see that something else is really bothering you and causing you to pick on someone or something else so that you don't have to face your real issues.  Once you see the situation for what it is, perish the thought.  Get rid of it and give everyone a break.  So what if you're wrong and the other person really was being diabolical?  Consider what you'll have missed out on.  Do you think you'll really lose any sleep over being cheated out of a disagreement?  Quite the opposite actually.  What do you think?  Is it worth a try? 

Attitude Can Get You Where You Want To BE

“Ability is what you're capable of doing. Motivation determines what you do. Attitude determines how well you do it.”    ~Lou Holtz~

    My son, Erik,  graduated from NC State's mechanical engineering program this past weekend.  He'll go on to pursue his Master's in the fall.  We never really knew what he'd be capable of doing.  He seemed smart enough to do anything, but who can tell how motivated an 18 year old kid knows how to be?  In the end as his attitude toward his work developed and matured, so did he.  He had to, he wanted to do well.  On the ride home he said to me, "Mom, I wish I had been more serious about my grades the first semester of freshman year.  I could have done better."  Well, he graduated Magna Cum Laude so I guess he could have done slightly better, but it was interesting to me to see what a close watch he kept on himself once he decided to excel.  He said he had times where he would have 10 straight A's in a row.  It was the electives that "killed" him.  He said he couldn't get as interested in something he didn't care about.
    So, maybe a key to success is found in doing what you care about.  It does seem to help keep people interested in getting somewhere if they enjoy the journey that leads to their destination.  How much control do you have over the journey?  Maybe not 100%, but pretty close.  Some of Erik's success, especially in his electives, may have been affected by a professor's point of view on his work.  Some of them probably made the journey seem pretty rocky at times.  Adding a little adversity is a good way to see if you're on the right journey to a destination you care about.  If it doesn't stop you and just makes you work harder, you're on the right path. It's also a great way of getting ready for the working world.  Frequently, bosses and managers don't think about their employees psyche, or quite frankly, don't care about it.  Whether that's smart of them or not is material for another article.  The reality is, most people have enough to worry about with their own psychological issues and aren't really thinking too much about anyone else's.  Going into a job with a needy attitude will not get anyone very far.  It definitely won't get what an insecure person needs most, validation.  So try to find what you need psychologically inside yourself or at least outside of work.  It always seems that the people who exude self-confidence get the most pats on the back.  I think it's because the perception is that attitude and demeanor can be contagious and everyone wants a little more of a good thing.  People tend to shrink away from too much desperation.

     So figure out what your good at and capable of, then think about what your motivated to do for it.  Not everyone will have the single minded determination that Erik has shown in his college career so far.  That's OK, as long as they realize what motivates them and what level of achievement they need to attain to be content and satisfied in their life.  They also need to find a job that will allow them to work either to their potential or level of satisfaction and that will sustain the lifestyle that they want to live.  It would be a terrible thing to go through life only to find that you chased the wrong dream or worked for the wrong result.  Use mindfulness to decide where you need to go and develop the attitude to get you there.