"Feelings of worth can flourish only in an atmosphere where individual differences are appreciated, mistakes are tolerated, communication is open, and rules are flexible - the kind of atmosphere that is found in a nurturing family." ~Virginia Satir~
Communication can be the make it or break it point in a relationship, whether personal, or professional. It can determine whether an acquaintanceship progress to friendship, whether a business relationship becomes a partnership, and it can enhance or destroy any of them.
The problem is, we don't always see what we are doing, how we are affecting the other person, what their take is on us, or even that we might be wrong. Sometimes, the other person has to knock us over the head, or dump us on our head to make us look at what we're doing. If there ever was an Aha! moment, that's one. The moment we realize that we've jeopardized a friendship, a job, a relationship...maybe something that means the world to us and we've just wiped it away. Because we had to be right; we were so sure we were right.
Words can be great and I love the way you can put them together and make an ordinary statement have more power, excitement, and meaning. Unfortunately, used the wrong way, words also have the power to make a negative, critical statement more stinging and wounding. One thing to remember is this: a nice positive statement is nice at the moment, but starts dissipating as time goes on and must be reinforced with consistent kindness and nurturing. A negative, hurtful statement sticks and keeps on giving. One positive statement does not wipe out the impact of a negative one, sorry, it doesn't work that way. People can accept praise and kindness as their due because we all want to be treated that way. But, you're foolish to think you can wound with words and get the same dissipation of the effect. We flinch from hurtful statements and once hurt, we examine them, roll them around in our minds and protect ourselves from more injury by attacking back, or becoming defensive. The experience subtracts from any good will that has been built up in an increased proportion and makes it harder for trust to be rebuilt.
I want to help you avoid the pain and anguish that accompanies the 4 following communications destroyers. If you don't listen, you can't complain, because I'm telling you, as usual, from personal experience.
- Criticism - to find fault with; point out the fault of. What's not to love about that?! It's so easy to fall into the habit of criticizing. We tell ourselves that we're trying to help. We can see what's wrong and we just want to fix it. Really? Are you sure? Maybe you just want to be smarter. Maybe you have to make the other guy wrong so you can be right, and therefore better. I don't think anyone actually thinks that, but we don't consider that it may be the effect on the other person. Whenever we start a sentence with words like, "You don't...You never...I want...I feel"; we may be getting ready to unleash some nastiness. Better think about how it's going to sound to the other guy, and how it will make him respond. You can turn an angel into a devil by making her feel that you don't think she's good enough, smart enough, or capable enough. And pretty soon, she's going to turn around and stick the pitchfork you forced upon her right between your ribs. So cool it with the criticizm. When you think something needs to be different, address the problem, not the person. And cool down first, temper leads nowhere good. If the problem is serious, it will still be there, and you'll be more rational about it if you wait and take the emotion out of it. The fiery Italian side of me gets me in trouble every time. That's right, I'm blaming the Italians. Only kidding, I take full responsibility for my actions, regardless of my heritage.
- Defensiveness - devoted to preventing or resisting aggression or attack; or the attempt to keep an opponent from scoring in a game or contest. Sometimes defensiveness is a result of getting kicked too many times, as in the case of dealing with a criticizer. Sometimes it's just a way of not hearing what we don't want to hear. If we react strongly enough, the other person will give up and we don't have to worry about losing a point, but often it is a mechanism to prevent injury. When we see someone being defensive in response to us, we should first look at ourselves. How are we talking the that person? Are we neutral in stance, expression and word? If not neutral, are we non-threatening? Sometimes, even excitement about an idea can be threatening to someone who doesn't necessarily share our excitement. Better to approach things evenly, and let excitement build together.
- Contempt - the act of despising; a lack of respect or reverance Oh boy, if you find yourself here, you've got some real repair work to do. Contempt doesn't happen overnight, it comes from repeated injury and insult. It's painful to be on the receiving end, but consider what it would be like to be at the point where you feel that way. You've probably gone through a lot, and now you're sick of it. Contempt keeps more hurtful experiences away because it keeps the person causing the pain away. If you've caused someone to hold you in contempt the only way to fix it is to prove that you see what caused the problem and that you won't do it again. Once the contempt starts to heal, you can work together on building a new way of interacting.
- Stonewalling - to refuse to comply or cooperate with. Have you pushed it this far? I'll bet you wish you could just have whatever it is you said, or did back again, because you would never have said or did it if you knew this would happen! The problem is, it wasn't that last stupid thing you said or did, it was everything that built up to the breaking point. We think we have all the time in the world to change, to get in a better mood, or to figure out better communication skills, but we don't. And we never know exactly where the tipping point will be. Again, tincture of time and changing your behavior is the only way to break down the walls you helped build. Wait, be considerate, and do your work in peace. Consistency will hopefully help the walls come down.
So, if you've already messed up, you'll probably have to suffer while you wait for healing. If you are on your way to a mess, stop it already! You'll end up sorry and you'll hurt someone. Our experience of life is a result of the choices we make about the things we can control. We must pay attention to our words and actions because it's really all about relationships. You can have all the money, possessions or vacations you want, but if your relationships are not right, you won't be happy.
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