Have you ever tried to talk to someone and thought it would be just an average, everyday conversation, and found yourself in the middle of an argument or drama? You walk away stunned, wondering what is wrong with the other person? You really don't even consider wondering if it had anything to do with you, because you know you were just trying to pass on information, advice or constructive criticism, right? Maybe you should wonder.
Often, we go into a conversation without checking ourself first. Actually, we probably do that most of the time. We get an idea or thought, we think it's valid, maybe even amazing, we approach another person with it, and we get a reaction that we never imagined.
That's because we didn't stop to think about what was motivating us. It is a rare event when we do or say anything doesn't have some self-interest involved. Have you ever listened to someone talk about something they did for someone else? Did you notice that somewhere in the telling, you'll hear something that gives the speaker a little pat on the back. I do it all the time myself, so don't be afraid to admit it about yourself.
I was at a meeting recently during which a new member of the group decided to give some "constructive criticism." Just starting a statement with those words tends to put everyone on high alert. It seemed that she felt we should format our discussions differently because she was used to a different format. As she conveyed that idea, she managed to make remarks that made at least 3 people feel that she was criticizing them. You could feel the tension spread across the room and the conversation basically became very stilted. To top it off, she then monopolized the rest of the conversation. So, what was her motivation? She wanted things her way and her way meant she talked and everyone else listened. What was the result? A lot of resentment and hurt feelings that two of us had to spend a lot of energy reversing. In many instances, there is no one who is willing to spend the energy recovering a situation like this and it snowballs into a mess.
Can you think of a time in your practice when this has happened? What was the motivation? It was probably that someone wanted to be in control, to feel important, or to put someone else "in their place." It's amazing how quickly things can go downhill if no one steps in to call the person on it. I think that the best thing to do is just to ask the person for clarification first. If that doesn't make them see what they're doing, just go through a description of how their scenario or statement might pan out. By doing this you'll get a good idea if their motivation was innocent, but misguided, or self-interested, and so might they. I don't think that most people start out wanting to deliberately hurt others, but I do think that we often are driven by self-interest without consideration of others.
I don't think that there are many people who set out trying to act like a jerk, but I do think that sometimes things start to go off in an unintended direction and before you know it, all hell breaks loose. It's happened to me before and it's kind of stunning. So, instead of just reacting, take a minute to try to figure out the motivation. It doesn't matter whether you're the culprit, or on the receiving end, figuring out the motivation lends clarity to a situation and affects the outcome. You may be able to just stop a situation that's going sour in it's tracks, before the real drama begins. Since drama is highly overrated, you might want to give it a try. That is, unless you enjoy drama, and that leads us right back to motivation again.
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