Well, What Did You Expect?

People don't always do what we expect them to do.  Sometimes we think things are pretty clear and then we get surprised.  Often, another person has no idea of what we were expecting and was just acting in a way that made sense to them.  

Let's think of a situation in which a patient is being unreasonable, or even somewhat abusive to a staff member.  The dentist walks in and tries to placate the patient while the staff member is fuming because he didn't put that patient in his place and let him know that he can't talk to her in a demeaning manner.  For his part, the dentist is irritated that the staff member is taking the patient's behavior personally.  He expects her to just shrug it off, but she's standing there pouting.  When the patient leaves, the dentist and staff member are less than cordial to each other.  Each one thinks the other is wrong and no one even thinks to look at the situation from the other point of view.

The staff member sees it as a matter of loyalty, perhaps.  She gives her best to her patients every day.  Doesn't he realize that she'd do anything to help the practice?  Why didn't he return her loyalty by sticking up for her?  She may start making a list of all she does for the practice and all the times that she was taken for granted.  Pretty soon she has a long list of all she does, and of all the ways her boss has proved he doesn't care.  Now, the situation with the patient lasted for about 2 minutes, but she's spent the better part of the morning obsessing about it and getting more and more agitated.  This can't be good.

On the other hand, the dentist is baffled.  The staff member has a role to play, and part of that role is dealing with patients and making all interactions with them turn out well.  Sure, that patient earlier this morning was pretty gruff, rude even, but so what?  He expects her to just deal with it and move on.  She's a good employee and he appreciates her, but sometimes he doesn't understand her.  The thing he doesn't get is why she seems to be mad at him.  He didn't say anything mean to her.  Why is she taking it out on him?  As the morning goes on and her attitude gets worse, he's starting to become angry.  Nope, this won't be good.

Finally, the morning is over and the staff member comes into the dentist's office and closes the door.  Amid tears and accusations she tells him she's disappointed that he let that patient treat her so badly.  He's astonished.  So that's why she was so mad?  What did she expect him to do?  Argue with a patient over something that was no big deal?  He cuts her off and tells her to grow up and suck it up.  It's her job to deal with all kinds of people and situations and he's not going to argue with his patients.  After all, they're the ones who pay her salary.  She storms out and tells herself he just doesn't care.

Neither one stopped to think about the other person's point of view and so the argument rages.  Neither one considers that they just don't have the information they need about the other's reasons for their behavior, so they get nowhere.  Nothing gets resolved and they both walk away nursing hurt feelings and thinking that the other just doesn't get it.  Well, that's true, they can't get what they don't know.  

Sometimes the behavior that seems completely reasonable to us, is completely unacceptable to someone else.  Telling off the patient would have been something that the staff member would have seen as a sign of loyalty and respect on the dentist's part.  Does the fact that he didn't do it mean that he doesn't respect her or feel loyal to her?  Not necessarily, it may just be something that he is not willing or comfortable doing.  Does the fact that the staff members feelings were hurt by the patient and then by the dentist make her a bad employee?  Of course not, she just wants something that never occurred to him.

Next time they could avoid a miserable morning by putting themselves in the other person's shoes.  We have to be willing to see it the way they see it, without our own expectations clouding the picture.  That doesn't mean we have to do it there way, just respect their opinion.  In other words, don't get mad, get curious.  It's a lot more pleasant than arguing and you'll build stronger relationships while you're at.  

Comments

[Edward Logan]

It' situations like this one in the dental office that sometimes make me wonder why I didn't become a football coach instead of a dentist!