"I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiments of others, and all positive assertion of my own. ...I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction." ~Benjamin Franklin~
I don't know about you, but I'm one of those people whose brain has a direct path to my mouth, and unfortunately, the restraint of wisdom always seems to be a few beats late. I'm telling you, in a world where anything goes, I would probably be clasping my hand over everyone else's mouth so I could release all the fabulous ideas that are bursting forth at any given moment. Thank goodness I do have some self-control, or I'm sure everyone would hate me. At some point in life, we all have to grow up and let other people talk. I can remember sitting with my friend Diane when we were younger. We would be sitting and talking and I'd find myself really frustrated with having to listen to her. Why couldn't she just quiet down (nice way of saying shut up) and let me talk. What I had to say was infinitely more interesting than what she was putting forth. At some point, we both admitted that we were just waiting for the other to stop talking so we could get our 2 cents in. That admission was undoubtedly fueled by wine and tolerated only because we love each other. We laughed about, but as I go through life, I realize that the same feeling often reappears with others who are stone cold sober and would tolerate less and who don't love me enough to put up with it. Therefore, the need for self-control.
Why are we so enamored with the sound of our own voice sending forth wise thoughts and advice? Why do we think others want to hear our contradictions of their own wisdom and thoughts? How come we can enjoy repeating the same story as if we've never told it before? I think part of it is a certain amount of insecurity. We have to show others that we have worthwhile ideas. Part of it is a need for attention. Some of it may just be inattention and thoughtlessness. We don't realize that we are driving other people crazy and making ourselves look self-involved and insensitive. Well, now we do, right? I don't want to ruin anyone's fun, but sometimes you can have more fun when you engage and interact, rather than just conducting a one woman show.
If you've ever been around a blabber-mouth (and I sincerely hope it wasn't me), you know that it's a bore. "When will she stop, I can't listen to one more word?", is a thought you're probably familiar with. Now, think about friends that are quieter, and more laid-back. When you talk to them you can tell they are interested. When they talk, you want to hear what they have to say. Now, think about that when you consider discussions with patients and staff. I remember working with a hygienist that kept a running monologue going with all her patients. She would spend an hour spouting off about her own life. Even when she did ask the patient a question, she'd end up interrupting and answering it herself because she couldn't stand the lag time between her words entering their brain and them formulating an answer. The patients seemed to love her though and no one bothered to mess up what seemed to be a good thing. When she left our practice, we got the real story from the formally silent, or should I say silenced, patients. Many missed her pleasant demeanor, but no one seemed to miss being a captive audience. Quite a few commented that she never asked them about their oral health and never let them finish a sentence. So, was she beloved, or tolerated? Which would you rather be?
Let's think about staff. Do you realize how easy it is for an out-spoken, confident, knowledgeable person to intimidate and less confident staff member into silence? When that happens it can be a double-edged sword because the staff member may be perceived as disengaged or disinterested. It is no accomplishment for a manager to have all the ideas, even if they're great ideas. Why? Because people get tired of carrying out the ideas of others. You can conceive the idea, but sometimes you have to let your staff be the ones to come out with them. How? You have to guide them to the thought. You can do this by giving examples and asking questions that will lead them to the thought. Let's say you want your hygienists to be more proactive in developing protocols for their patients.
Here's how the dialogue might go. I'd sit down with them and ask them if they were seeing a lot of the same type of problem in different types of patients. They may remark that older patients have a lot of root caries. "Oh really, why?" "Well, they have a lot of dry mouth issues, they have poor dexterity, they eat a lot of carbs." "Oh, what do you think would help?" "They could use an electric toothbrush, use Xylitol products, extra fluoride, etc." "Ok, so what do you think we can do to get them to do that?" We could show them a Sonicare, talk about Theramints, offer to do a fluoride treatment at their recall, and even put them on shorter recalls." "Ok, great ideas, will you please write out that protocol and put it in your hygiene manual so it's official. You can start implementing it right away. Great idea! Will you keep track of how many patients you suggest this to, how many accept, and what the results are? We'll have a special meeting with Dr. Smith to go over your findings in three months. I'm excited by the ideas you came up with!" Enthusiasm, encouragement and expectation of success all help to ensure that there will be follow through.
Now, that's exactly what you had in mind. Do you think they'll be more likely to incorporate the above into their routine interactions with patients that fit the example if you just tell them to do it, or will they be more likely to implement ideas that they thought through and verbalized themselves? It's always much more comfortable to brainstorm than to be told what to do.
Finally, you don't always have to contradict or put forth opposing ideas. Sometimes we can feel someone is dead wrong and still survive if we keep it to ourselves. As long as no harm will come of it, respect the right of others to hold true to their own thoughts. Sometimes even a gently put forth opposing thought can demoralize and deflate, and that's not what you would ever intend, is it? So every now and then, resist and let it be. You can't dim a shining star; if you sparkle, believe me, everyone is aware of your glow. But too bright can be blinding and hard to stand for very long. You can polish a glare to a luster by letting others have their own light.
"Let your light shine within you, so that it can shine on someone else."
~Oprah Winfrey~
Ok, so a lot of people make fun of me (my husband, my daughter, my boss) because I like Oprah, but you have to admit she comes up with some pretty quotable sayings.
Basically, what I'm saying is give someone else a chance to shine. Let others be the star. You be the soft glow that warms the room and draws the whole world in. Then everything will be just fine.
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