Shame Hurts

                             Communication is an amazing thing. In equal measures, it can be a blessing or a curse.  Words can be used to elate or devastate.  That's power.  We all wake up in the morning with the possibility of the coming day before us.  How brave we are to take the chance of facing devastation.  How trusting to hope for elation.  We owe it to the people we encounter to use care in our communication.  If we are honored to be in a position of leadership or influence, the obligation to use words responsibly is even greater.  We have the potential to lift up or pound down the spirit of those around us with the words we choose. 

    I had the unhappy experience of being on the receiving end of some unkind communication today.  I had submitted an article that I was excited about, to the editor of a publication that I admired.  I had been published there before and thought I had a good relationship with the editor and his assistant.  The article had been submitted two months ago and I'd had no response.  A previous article had been rejected harshly, but I was willing to look at it as a learning experience and ignore the childishly emotional e-mail response I received.  This time it was a phone call from his assistant.  The person was absolutely condescending and superior.  There was no reason to be.  I was perfectly willing to accept that my article wasn't right for them and move on to another publication.  You see, I like the article.  I know other's will, too.  What I didn't like was the fact that both people wanted me to feel ashamed.

    What people don't realize, or maybe just don't care about when they try to shame someone, is that people set out to do the best they can.  Nobody wants to make a mistake, break something, or even write an article that someone doesn't like.  People who put themselves in the public arena in any form, expose something private about themselves.  It's ok to say, "No, thanks."  It's not ok to demean.  It's fine to correct or instruct.  It's wrong to belittle. 

    People who feel a need to shame others are really telling us something about themselves.  In this case the editor was being a bully and his assistant was trying to impress a bully.  They both needed a scapegoat.  Enter your's truly.  I am lucky enough to have a great support system.  Sure, it hurts to hear comments that are designed to shame, but I had the safety net of reassuring people who care about me to bounce me right back onto my feet again.  What if I didn't?  Many people go home to more of the same; or they may even go home to nothing at all.  What do you think happens to those shameful words?  They swirl around and take on more importance.  They seep in and become a part of that person.  They erode.  The only good they do is to act as a reminder not to treat others that way.

    On the other hand, positive communication builds up.  It plants seeds of pride and self-esteem.  It creates bonds of love and friendship.  It gives the people who face shame in other areas of their lives a coat of armor. It gives lonely people hope.  We all have the power to choose how we will communicate.  Be assured that whether you choose to tear down or build up, you will make a difference. 

Comments

[Lisa Weber]

Whatever happened to "I appreciate the effort, but it wasn't quite what I had in mind. If you would like to pursue this, I will be available on __________________to discuss my thoughts"?

Linda- I truly hope you pursue publication of your article on the difficult transition from one position, to an OM within the same office. I think it's likely that many of the posts on Dental Town that give vent to dentists gripes, have an unsuccessful transition at it's core. All of the "My OM's driving me crazy!" threads. From personal experience, in the past, I know it can be a humbling experience, as well as an incredibly stressful one. I think that pull and tug can be found across the working spectrum, in many different kinds of offices. It's one and editor might not recognize as important, but his readers, would.

Keep on doing what you do. They won't all be greeted as 'War and Peace' by editors that are divorced from day to day office realities, but those of us that respect your efforts, will be eager readers.

lisa

[Linda Zdanowicz]

Lisa, you are an example of the people that make it easy for me to bounce back onto my feet. Not everybody is that lucky. If this post makes someone think before they resort to shaming someone, then my experience was well worth it.
Have a great day! Linda

[Timothy Johnson]

Linda - great post! One of my favorite quotes is by Eleanor Roosevelt, who said, "Nobody can make me feel inferior without my consent." It's a powerful thought to have against bozos like you've dealt with. And I'm sure that you will get your article published... and let us know when you do!

[Linda Zdanowicz]

Oh, I'm fine. One thing about dealing with abusive people is that if you don't let them get inside, they actual prepare you to better deal with the next of their type that comes along. In my position, I've dealt with personalities and situations that I'd never have expected to face. Now, when someone wants to tangle with me, I'm just, "Bring it on!". Well, not quite that unfazed, but rarely devastated, so I recognized this for what it was. An insecure pair of bullies trying to feel better by flexing their muscles. Actually, the first article, the one that made him want to pull the covers over his head, has already been accepted by another publication. So, the door shut, but the windows wide open.
Linda

[Lisa Weber]

Timothy, that is now one of my all-time favorite quotes. I hadn't heard it before, and it's a gem.
Lisa